No, not Johnny Carson, Dr. Ben Carson former Trump HUD Secretary and idiot savant surgeon.

Back when Dr. Ben Carson was running for president, I had a lot of fun mocking him. Here’s how I described him in 2015:

We all know people who are brilliant in one aspect of life and absolute ninnies in others. They thrive if they stay in their lane, and crash when they don’t. I’ve met some surgeons who were brilliant with a scalpel and hopeless with people, the fictional Dr. House is just an extreme example. They should stick to the operating theatre as they say in Woody Olde England. It’s increasingly obvious that Dr. Ben Carson fits the bill and should stick to what he knows best: cutting people open and helping them instead of putting his foot in his mouth.  I think the Doc needs a footectomy or some such shit.

That continued to be true in his tenure as HUD secretary, which was distinguished only by the expensive office furniture he purchased.

Dr. Ben’s latest scam project is a youth group, Little Patriots. The group’s philosophy, such as it is, reflects Dr. Ben’s own right-wing religiosity and nostalgia for the American Revolution. Why a black dude from Baltimore would be nostalgic for 1776 is beyond me. Maybe he thinks he’s Crispus Attucks reincarnated. Beats the hell outta me.

When I first heard about the Carson Youth, I was mildly alarmed. Is he Baldur von Schirach reincarnated instead of Crispus Attucks? Schirach was the Nuremberg defendant who headed up the Hitler Youth. Like Ben Carson, Schirach was a mediocre politician who did the bidding of his master. That landed him in Spandau Prison for 20 years. Carson stayed away on Dipshit Insurrection Day so the analogy collapses. One thing they have in common is that they both worked for Baldur-faced liars…

The Little Patriots web page focuses on education, Ben Carson-style. The home page sounds the alarm much like the Paul Revere of historical myth:

• Kids are being taught opinions, not facts.

• Decrease in civic pride.

• Pledge altered to exclude God.

Dr. Ben’s American Cornerstone Institute rides to the rescue with a simplistic and cartoony civics lesson. I was gobsmacked to learn that it was free. I assumed it was like Trump University. The moneymaking aspect comes in later.

The Little Patriots educational program rests on four platitudes, I mean cornerstones just like the Institute’s name. We’ll review them after the break. Go ahead and jump.

FAITH:

Hey, it’s the Pilgrims. Remember them? They were the zany folks behind the Salem Witch Trials, a truly inspiring moment in American history.

Faith isn’t always a bad thing. I like this song by my countryman, George Michael:

Sure, the video is about what Dana Carvey called “the power of the butt” on SNL but all god’s chirren have butts…

LIBERTY:

I spy a guy in Conquistador duds. What do they have to do with liberty? Beats the hell outta me, but it gives me an excuse to post this song:

It could be worse. The blurb could refer to this Liberty:

COMMUNITY:

Dig the little boxes in the upper right-hand corner. I feel a musical interlude coming on:

I guess I shouldn’t have posted the theme song for Weeds, but I’m incorrigible. So is Dr. Ben who’s dealing in Evangelical gobbledygook instead of weed. It is, however, more cheerful than the apocalypse, I’ll give him that.

LIFE:

Hey, it’s GW next to the Mayflower. It’s like being in kindergarten again. That’s the point of this pointless exercise. I’m not the target audience, after all. Neither are the members of REM, but they know something about life:

I’m relieved that there’s no plan to replicate the Hitler Youth or even the Boy Scouts for that matter. Instead, it’s a half-baked effort at online civics education via crappy cartoons.

It’s adorable that they claim that the Little Patriots curriculum, such as it is, is not opinion-based. It’s nothing but opinion much like all content spread by the Dingbat Right. They wouldn’t know a fact if it bit them in the ass.

You’re probably wondering what the moneymaking aspect of this nonsense is. It’s another wingnutty children’s book. That’s right, Dr. Ben and someone named Valerie Pfundtsein have published this tome for tiny tots:

Here’s how it’s described at the Cardinal Publishers Group web site:

Why America Matters is a children’s book about the Judeo-Christian values of America and its founding, and the importance of the Four Pillars of the American Cornerstone Institute: Faith, Liberty, Community, Life. This is the first book in the Little Patriots Program, an educational program created by the American Cornerstone Institute to teach children about the values that make the United States exceptional. Learn more about the program by visiting Little Patriots Learning.

Through rhymes and colorful illustrations, readers understand how our founding values continue with today’s patriotic Americans.

There are blurbs from noted book critics, Sean Hannity and Sarah Huckabee:

“Finally, a children’s book that celebrates America! This book is an answer to the prayers of parents and grandparents all across the country! Hopefully the first of many!”
— SEAN HANNITY

“Refreshing, bold, and important. Thank you Dr. Carson for writing a children’s book that celebrates our great country and reminds us what a blessing it is to be an American!”
—SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, former White House Press Secretary

Praise from a Fox News meathead and an Arkansas goober wannabe. Who could ask for anything more? I feel a Huck Upchuck coming on. Pass the barf bag.

I never intended to add right-wing children’s book critic to my literary portfolio, but I needed to write something funny after yesterday’s somber review of Buried. I hope this post qualifies. The name Carson should bring out my inner Shecky. Of course, Johhny was genuinely funny whereas Dr. Ben is unintentionally funny. Oh well, what the hell.

The last word goes to The Tubes: