Stop Clutching Your Pearls

Margaret Dumont

There is an old timey phrase that I love. It’s so evocative of not just a particular kind of person, but a particular era of history.

The Oxford Dictionary defines pearl clutching thusly:

to behave as if you are very shocked, especially when you show more shock than you really feel in order to show that you think something is morally bad

While it is as old timey a phrase as the songs of the Soggy Bottom Boys, unfortunately it is as current day as a TikTok video from the most au currant influencer pitching cryptocurrency from the hottest club in town.

Oh heavens, what are we ever to do? (use your Margaret Dumont voice).

Everyone is concentrated for the moment on the pearl clutchers of the Repugnicant party, all in a tizzy and a lather and a harrumph over the January 6th committee exposing all the graft and guilt in the Trump White House. “Why aren’t we talking about real issues like inflation and high gas prices?!” they scream as their fingers daintily stroke their pearl dappled necks.

Mostly because you oh so very pearl draped folks on the conservative side tried to overthrow the legitimate government of the United States in a violent and direct attack on the seat of said government. The people of the country need an explanation and history needs to have an accurate record.

And as for your belated boo-hooing about not being able to derail the work of the committee…er…I mean…be able to ask questions of your own, you had your chance and the Big Macca threw it all away because, well really, why? Just like the Pope making rules about sex I say to you “you don’t want to play the game, you don’t get to make the rules”.

Watching the televised hearings, you know who is coming out looking the best (besides Shaye and Lady Ruby)? All those Trump officials who are getting to give their side of the story where they confronted the Idiot and told him there was not a shred of evidence of election fraud, especially all those Justice department officials who wouldn’t go along with the Georgia letter.

But having said that, let us not forget that they only got to say no to Trump because they originally said yes to working for him. We’ll give you guys a half pass for standing up for democracy, but the other half we’ll hold onto because, well, YOU WENT TO WORK FOR THE MEGLOMANIAC IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Oh, I’m sorry I used my outside voice for that.

And now the pearl clutchers on the Supreme Court have officially declared that women are and should be a second class of citizen simply because biology has granted them the ability to carry a fetus. “Oh the poor fetus”, they have effectively cried, “we must save it!”.

Your Margaret Dumont voice is getting a workout.

The Strait-Laced Six on the court, half of them put there by the Idiot, wagged their finger, fingered their pearls and said to the women of this country “we know better than you what is best for you”.

The fact that the majority opinion was written by a proven workplace sexual abuser is just the capper on the travesty.

But the legions of pearl clutching fellow travelers around the land will rise up as one and proclaim the Puritanical Posse to be just doing their lord’s work. Then they will lord it over anyone that might be in their way.

Do you think they really care about the “unborn child” (it’s not a child, it’s a fetus that can not live without it’s host)? Of course they don’t. They care about control, that’s what pearl clutching is all about. “You there, stop doing that because I don’t like it”. It matters not if the issue is personal (abortion) or public (excusing an insurrection), all that matters is that this small group of self-styled blue noses want to be able to tell everyone else how they should lead their lives and who should have control over those lives.

In the case of women, they say not the individual woman.

I need something to make me believe in humanity again. Let’s end this with Ms. Dumont doing what she did best, being the best straight man in the history of Hollywood. Don’t think so? Then you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon you can leave in a minute and a huff:

Shapiro Out