Gum, Malpractice & Perjury

I wasn’t following the Alex Jones defamation case until yesterday. The mere thought of that vile villain makes me want to vomit. It’s like stepping in dog shit in shoes that already have gum on them. If the shoes aren’t machine washable it might be better to toss them before they make you toss your cookies.

In the immortally excellent words of Garth Algar of Wayne’s World fame:

I wonder if the dude with Wayne is a young Alex Jones. Probably not.

The featured image is the best picture I’ve ever seen of Jones. The tape says, “Save the First Amendment.”

What it really saves us from is having to listen to that vile villain spew lies and hate. It’s a good look for him. He should make it permanent.

I wonder if Jones was inspired by this Squeeze classic:

The good news is that Jones had one of the worst days any litigant has ever had. Everything went wrong. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. #sarcasm

I’m dividing the post into Odds & Sods style segments with short and snappy headers: GUM, MALPRACTICE & PERJURY.

GUM: I have a new reason to hate Alex Jones: he’s a gum chewer. I hate gum almost as much as I hate exclamation points.

He denied chewing gum in court but who the hell believes anything that oozes out of his big fat bazoo?

Dig this colloquy between Jones and Judge Maya Guerra Gamble as described by TPM’s Cristina Cabrera:

“During the Sandy Hook families’ defamation trial against professional tinhatter Alex Jones on Tuesday, the judge told Jones to spit out the gum he was apparently chewing in the court. Jones insisted that he wasn’t chewing gum; he was merely using his tongue to massage the hole left by a tooth removal, and offered to show the judge the hole to prove it.

The judge wasn’t interested in witnessing the hole.

“I don’t want to see the inside of your mouth,” she told him. “Sit down.”

Jones is a professional denialist. Now he denies chewing gum. The Judge should have ordered him to reapply his mouth tape.

We conclude the Gum portion of the post with a musical interlude:

MALPRACTICE: Believe it or not, the gum chewing incident was the high point of Jones’ day. He faced a withering cross-examination by plaintiff’s counsel, Mark Bankston, who had a real life Perry Mason moment:

“Questioning Jones, Mark Bankston, the lawyer for the parents, argued that Jones hadn’t complied with court orders to turn over text messages and emails. Jones has previously claimed that he simply couldn’t find any. Unfortunately, he clearly wasn’t anticipating what happened next.

“Mr. Jones did you know that 12 days ago your attorneys messed up and sent me an entire digital copy of your entire cell phone with every text message you’ve sent for the past two years and when informed did not take any steps to identify it as privileged or protect it in anyway, and as of two days ago it fell free and clear into my possession and that is how I know you lied to me when you said you didn’t have text message about Sandy Hook? Did you know that?”

I’m referring to the Perry Mason on the left, not his feline namesake:

Real life Perry Mason moments are as rare as Alex Jones telling the truth. Mr. Bankston may have to retire after the trial. He’ll never be able to top this.

Jones may have to hire another lawyer to sue his current lawyer for malpractice. This confirms my belief that the only ones who benefit from litigation are lawyers.

I only wish *my* Perry Mason would recognize his theme song. He’s too busy stalking, killing, and eating flies to be bothered with musical cues.

PERJURY: Alex Jones is a professional irritant and agitator. Info Wars fans may find him entertaining but no one else does, especially not the Judge in this case:

“Through the course of the trial, which has included the parents suing Jones testifying about the harassment and death threats they have received from Jones’s rabid followers, the judge has had to reprimand the Infowars host for his inability to tell the truth. On Tuesday, that judge, Maya Guerra Gamble, took Jones to task for lying under oath, telling him, “This is not your show.”

While Jones admitted Wednesday that the Sandy Hook massacre happened—“It’s 100% real,” he said—the host has refused to take responsibility for the impact of his lies, blaming them on “a form of psychosis back in the past where I basically thought everything was staged.”

Talk about false flag testimony. I’d like to ram a false flag up his vile villainous ass.

I told you that Alex Jones had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day in court.

The last word goes to REM:

6 thoughts on “Gum, Malpractice & Perjury

  1. “For the penalty on Mr. Jones, we the jury find that he should be taken behind the courthouse and beaten to death with shovels.

    No? Okay, then ALL of his money, ALL of his property both what he has now and what he may obtain in future, for the rest of his miserable life.

    THEN beat him to death with shovels.”

  2. Was looking forward to your take on this. Am not disappointed. But I do have some questions. If you’re Jones’s attorney: 1) How do you “accidentally” upload a copy of your client’s ENTIRE phone and not just the parts responsive to the subpoena? 2) How do you not respond to plaintiffs’ attorney’s notification and notice to reclaim the files? 3) How do you let your client testify when you know he’s committing perjury? I would think that the first two would be grounds for a malpractice suit and the third would be grounds for disbarment, but IANAL. Help me out? Thanks!

  3. As to points 1 and 2, technology wasn’t as advanced in my day so I’m not sure. As to point 3, defendant can be compelled to testify in a CIVIL trial like this one. The option kicks in for CRIMINAL trials.

    1. OK. I thought you could be disbarred for putting on a perjuring witness whether the proceeding was civil or criminal. Thanks.

      1. Only if you knowingly suborn perjury. Intent is hard to prove, especially in a civil case.

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