Malaka Of The Week: Tom Fitton

“His hair was perfect.”

The downside of the Trump indictments is that the evil creep is dominating the news cycle again. One of the upsides is that it gives me more chances to mock amateur lawyers. And that is why Tom Fitton is malaka of the week.

Fitton is the president of Judicial Watch and a Fox pundit. Judicial Watch is a right-wing “nonprofit” founded in 1994 during what Charlie Pierce calls the “pursuit of the president’s penis.” That’s right, it was founded when Get Clinton was the far right’s motto.

I put the quotes around nonprofit because Judicial Watch is a fundraising juggernaut. It’s all about the green, Gene. I have no idea who Gene is, but it rhymes.

Tom Fitton is the successor to Larry Klayman at Judicial Watch. Does that make him this?

After the Indicted Insult Comedian was elected, Fitton hopped on the Trump crazy train. There was money to be made and Malaka Tom is all about the money. He became one of the most frenetic Trump supporters and backers of the BIG LIE.

After the Kaiser of Chaos was exiled to Florida, Fitton wormed his way into the inner circle. It’s not that hard: all you have to do is tell Trump what he wants to hear. Besides, he has a fatal attraction to cable news pundits.

As Federal prosecutors swarmed, Fitton started giving former President* Pennywise legal advice. Surely the head of Judicial Watch is a lawyer. Wrong. I’ll give Charlie Pierce the honor of disabusing you of that notion:

Fitton has a B.A. in English from George Washington University so, naturally, he’s the guy you go to for high-rent legal advice, especially if the guy who cleans the golf carts is busy. But Fitton is more famous as the president of Judicial Watch, Larry Klayman’s old conservative money pit. He also is famous for wearing polo shirts during cable news hits in an apparent attempt to look buff. And, lastly, he also is famous for being a dolt. That makes him a Camp Runamuck three-fer. He laughs at your law degrees.”

Amateur lawyers are the worst. Pennywise might as well look on Twitter for free legal advice. If it’s free it must be good, right? Oy just oy.

Fitton’s shitty advice to his unclient has been consistently ignorant. He’s driven Trump’s licensed lawyers batshit crazy with his idiotic interventions. The 3 Million Dollar Lawyer, Chris Kise wanted to discuss a settlement with the Feds. Malaka Tom helped torpedo the idea:

Trump time and again rejected the advice from lawyers and advisers who urged him to cooperate and instead took the advice of Tom Fitton, the head of the conservative group Judicial Watch, and a range of others who told him he could legally keep the documents and should fight the Justice Department, advisers said. Trump would often cite Fitton to others, and Fitton told some of Trump’s lawyers that Trump could keep the documents, even as they disagreed, the advisers said.”

Trump’s capacity for self-delusion is epic, so he might even think Fitton is a lawyer. This is the equation his tiny, twisted brain seems to have come up with:

Judicial Watch + free advice + what he wants to hear = Attorney.

That’s what those of us in the reality-based community call whistling past the graveyard.

Fitton is a real piece of work. He’s been called before Jack Smith’s DC grand jury to testify about both the purloined papers case and the Dipshit Insurrection.

Like his political hero, Malaka Tom has a hard time keeping his big fat bazoo zipped. Here’s what he told the WaPo about this misbegotten mishigas:

“I think what is lacking is the lawyers saying, ‘I took this to be obstruction,’” said Fitton. “Where is the conspiracy? I don’t understand any of it. I think this is a trap. They had no business asking for the records … and they’ve manufactured an obstruction charge out of that. There are core constitutional issues that the indictment avoids, and the obstruction charge seems weak to me.”

There’s a proverb that my father was fond of reciting whenever money was involved: You get what you pay for.

Free legal advice from an amateur lawyer is worthless. As someone who thinks Trump should be charged, convicted, and incarcerated for his many crimes, I should thank Tom Fitton for ensuring a Trump trial, but I won’t. Instead, I wrote this post mocking his ill-Fitton advice. And that is why Tom Fitton is malaka of the week.

Repeat after me: Amateur lawyers are the worst.

The last word goes to Aimee Mann: