My friend Parenthetical is back with another bite at the First Draft apple. He turns his attention to the Lost Cause revival initiated by Dirty Hands Hegseth at the Pentagon. Parenthetical’s hands, however, are clean.

-Adrastos

Renowned war crimes apologist and Christian Nationalist tattoo model Pete Hegseth, currently serving as the Department of Defense’s least qualified chief in, well, ever, has hatched a plan to restore some honor to that most unfairly maligned category of people: traitors who quit the nation, organized, and killed as many U.S. soldiers as they could.

Here’s Hegseth’s trick: The base formerly known as Fort Bragg, named after the Confederate General Braxton Bragg, would become Fort Bragg once again – but this time, named for Army Pfc. Roland L. Bragg, whom the AP lists as “a World War II paratrooper and Silver Star recipient from Maine.”

See what he did there?

I respect creative problem solving, so I’m here to help Secretary Hegseth sort out a few more solutions to go along with Fort (Definitely Not That) Bragg.

FORT BENNING

Instead of Gen. Henry Lewis Benning, I’d recommend his wife, Mary Benning. Gone With The Wind author Margaret Mitchell reportedly described her thusly.

“She was a tiny woman, frail and slight, but possessed of unusual endurance and a lion’s heart. The battles she fought at home were those of nearly every Southern woman, but her burdens were heavier than most.

Let’s name one installation for all the women who had to carry at least twice the load because their man ran off to do some stupid shit with other dudes.

FORT PICKETT

Lost Causers contribute some fundamental DNA to the modern Right-Wing Victimhood Complex. With his famously unsuccessful charge at Gettysburg, Major General George Pickett made more victims out of Confederate soldiers in less time than just about anybody else in the Civil War, so you can see why he got his name above the door of this Virginia base.

But now, Hegseth can pivot to the one and only Wilson Pickett and re-use all the old signage. This is a savvy pick because Hegseth can point to Pickett as an African-American choice who did perform for military audiences in Europe. At the same time, Pickett elected not to wade into civil rights issues publicly, perfect for the “shut up and play” crowd. Pickett also had some run-ins both with alcohol abuse and mistreatment of women, which should seal the deal with Hegseth.

FORT GORDON

Fort Gordon is now named after President Dwight Eisenhower, whose fairly successful military and political record you may recall. But Ike also warned all of us against the rise of the military industrial complex with a little too much prescience, so he’s gotta go.

I recommend we go with an illegal alien: Gordon Shumway, aka ALF of the popular late-’80s NBC television show, ALF.

On that show, Gordon/ALF inspired actual young children to imitate him in real life by trying to microwave a cat and also by using an electric mixer in a bathtub. Both of which seem as smart as putting DJT back in the White House, so it’d be a fitting homage.

FORT A.P. HILL

What used to be named for the Confederate Lieutenant General is now named for an American abolitionist, Mary Edwards Walker. Lost Causers would admit in candor that honoring abolitionists is an anathema, assuming they can say or spell anathema.

There’s competition for this one (Benny Hill makes some sense, while my favorite is Dulé Hill of Psych and The West Wing). But the winner is the late ZZ Top bass player, Dusty Hill. Right in the middle of the Reagan era, Hill’s gun fell out of his boot and shot Hill in the abdomen. If that’s not a metaphor for where we are, I don’t know what is.

Of course, Hill did make a full recovery, and we can only hope we’re half as lucky.

The last word goes to Hill and friends.