Dear Pat Robertson,

In order, here are the things about your latest communication from God that are annoying the shit out of me presently.

1. If you really put your back into it, do you think you could act a little more like the propaganda distributed by ever fucking mullah looking to capitalize on our president’s stupid-assed crusade? Really, if you just put your shoulder up to it and pushed, do you think you could do a little more to make us look a little worse? Don’t get me wrong, you’re doing a fine job right now, but I’m kind of hoping you have unplumbed depths. Curious, if you will, in the way that people who stare at train wrecks are curious, in the way that people in the face of an oncoming truck will move their cars just a little closer to the center line, just to see how much of their shit they can scare out of themselves.

2. Very little of your huckstering has anything to do with you anymore, you over-the-hill medicine show salesman. Honestly, most of what annoys me about the crap you spew is that while it’s predictable, while it’s vile and hateful and based in an understanding of other human beings so shallow it makes Doug Giles look like a theologian, Pat old pal, what really annoys the crap out of me is that not one Republican, not one, is going to be asked to denounce your hateful bullshit or distance himself or herself from it in order to appeal to “realistic” or “sensible” or “moderate” voters. No, it’s pretty much expected that they agree with your nonsense, or if they don’t, hell, everybody knows you don’t really mean it, no matter how big a money machine operates behind your larded self.

No, we all know Republicans don’t really listen to you, except when they totally do all the time, and in any case, you’re not really representative of evangelicals, except that you totally are, and I’m fucking sick and tired of every two-bit congressional candidate having to denounce Michael Moore to get past the gatekeepers at the downmarket ABC affiliates while you blither on, blaming whoever you like, dragging Satan into this like he doesn’t have better things to do, and nobody thinks to call up Bill Frist and ask him to please make a statement saying he’s not with stupid anymore. That never seems to happen, does it, Pat? I wonder why that is?

Do you think you could check with God, and get back to me?

No love at all,