1. Missouri

Missouri doesn’t want its taxes paying for naughty naughty no-baby pills:

The proposal’s sponsor, Republican Rep. Susan Phillips of Kansas City, said contraceptive services were an inappropriate use of tax dollars. “If doctors want to give contraception privately or personally, they can,” Phillips said. “But we don’t need to pay for contraception with taxpayer funds.”

I think this is a brilliant idea. From now on, when you pay your taxes, there will be a long list of boxes you can check to fund what you agree with and defund what you think is gross. Here’s a short list of things I don’t want my tax dollars paying for anymore:

1. Missouri

2. Norm Coleman

3. Guns

4. Ammo

5. Sam Brownback

6. John Negroponte’s masseuse

7. Barney’s dog food

8. Doug Feith’s severance

9. Mail (all I fucking get is takeout menus anyway)

10. Street sweeping (I’m sick of moving my car)

11. Tax deductions for CEOs

12. Ornate street decorations in wealthy neighborhoods

13. A presdent who can’t find his own ass without a searchlight and a posse

14. John Bolton’s parking tickets

15. Condoleezza Rice’s shoes

16. Ad campaigns urging kids to get off drugs

17. “Marriage incentives”

18. Faith-based initiatives

19. Abstinence-only sex ed

20. Hurricane cleanup by Halliburton

21. Whatever’s keeping Barbara Bush in two-piece pantsuits and pearls these days


23. Those goddamn backgrounds Bush stands in front of that repeat his talking point over over like some kind of broken, psychotic See-N-Say

24. New robes for the Supreme Court (it’s not like they’re gonna wear them out anytime soon)

25. John Cornyn’s turtle allowance

Feel free to add your own ideas for the opt-out fee-based tax system Missouri would like us to implement. I can’t wait to see how this works.