It’s Hard Out Here For a Chimp: Liveblogging

Headline by Mr. A via IM this afternoon. I have a dance class in an hour so I am unfortunately sober. I make no such guarantees for Tena, who’s in bold. Bush Speech Time. Let’s learn about illegal immigration, kids!

Okay, T-minus six minutes or whatever. Blitzer’s counting this down like a shuttle launch. What a doofus. Seriously, somebody switch him to Folger’s Crystals and tell him other presidents make speeches all the time and it’s not like a volcano erupting or something. Sheesh.

Whoa, CNN fucked up the feed and the chimp was just shown practicing. He looks … thinner. Like he got a bigger suit, or something. Thinner and freaked out. Well, I feel safer.

He’s gone all blue tonight – watch out, it’s all about compassion and sincerity.

Oh he’s trying to whip up an issue and he thinks he can LEAD? hahaha!!!

Shadows? Crime? Fuck you –

“We’re a nation of laws.” I’m sorry, I just shot Diet Coke through my nose. Ow. Give me a minute.

WE ARE A NATION OF LAWS????!!!!! He should have spontaneously combusted right then and there.

Liveblog continues … click on “Read More.”

It’s a list of objectives: Secure the borders. Nice of you to FULLY fund the border patrol all of a sudden, Mr. President. Open to trade, but not to people. First mention of terrorists. Drink if you’ve got liquor handy. I like how seven years into his presidency, this is suddenly a priority. Seriously, Torie Clark’s a bitch from hell but she did say this during the pregame: Why NOW?

And you’re going to fix it? Right. I’ll give him this – he’s sober tonight.

All kinds of goodies by ’08 – Oh he’s shooting for a Legacy here; “Make me a goddess, Claudius, please. I so want to be a goddess.”

What do you know about technology, you anti-intellectual chimpanzee?

But hey, it’s friendly. Right.

Motion sensors and unmanned planes, he says. No landmines. The Freepers will be heartbroken. 6,000 guard members, he says, to operate surveillance and install fences and roads. Units won’t be involved in law enforcement for one year. Then reduced in favor of new agents.

National Guard to the border; fences, shit, why do I feel like Matamoros is going to look like Ramallah?

He’s talking about having enough National Guard to do all this stuff. Thanks for improving recruitment, Mr. Prez.

Not going to militarize the border, he says. Little Green Footballs implodes with rage.

It’s easy to send Mexicans home, he says, but not so much with everybody else. What, you mean this is about more than brown people? Whatever.

Scout: “I caught and released a 7.5 lb perch once” /W

Catch and Release? CATCH AND RELEASE? THEY ARE NOT FUCKING 7 INCH PERCH YOU FUCKWIT!

Congress – DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE POWER. I MEAN IT.

More room in detention facilities, to lock more people up, and talking tough to who, Poland and Ireland? Good luck with that. “End catch-and-release at the SOUTHERN BORDER.”

Here we go – work programs and nothing but lies about them. Yeah yeah, you get a convenient slave class that goes home. What about the withholding that is taken from their paychecks? You know they do pay it, now.

Yeah they go home – like they did in France and Germany. O the stupid, it burns.

Guest worker program, he’s onto now, talking about the profound economic imbalance that causes illegal immigration in the first place. This’ll make the base orgasmic with delight. Not. Seriously, this isn’t something I entirely revolt at, but who does he think the final 20 percent who like him are?

Middle Ground – I’m listening.

Middle Ground – Nothing there. 0.

Oooh, holding employers to account. Lou Dobbs just wet himself. New ID for “foreign workers” with “digital fingerprints” and “tamper-proofing.”

And papers – of course. “Show us your papers!” Just what I always grew up thinking about when I thought ‘America’.

Illegals who are here already should not be given automatic amenesty. “I oppose it.” Unfair to those who follow the laws, which he apparently cares about now. Oooh, doesn’t want to deport everybody. Again, that wet popping sound was heads all over Freeperville. This speech is gonna make nobody happy. The people who already hate him, aren’t gonna love him for this, and the people who love him are gonna go, “meh” or “booo.”

Write and Speak English – hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….!!!

You first, asshole. I swear they have him on something new – he actually does sound sober for a change.

He’s setting conditions for people to apply for citizenship. Talking about how it’s good to learn English. Well, try to get into an ESL class in a city, George. They’re all fucking full. GOD, I hate this bullshit talking point more than anything else.

End of the month, he’s talking about as a deadline. How does that help the GOP use it as a cudgel in October?

Oh NOW he doesn’t want to exploit fear.

OH get a bill to him so he can sign it and append a signing statement that says it doesn apply to the Emperor Bush.

Oh, so NOW he’s against exploiting people for political gain? I’m sorry, hold on a minute, I threw something at the TV and I need to clean up the mess. JESUS. It’s like he’s a moral dsylexic. Seriously, it’s like some kind of illness, this fact-free state he’s in. I’m starting to honestly wonder how much the guy knows about the dirty shit pulled in his name.

Wounded immigrant Marine story. Beautiful story. Seriously, it’s a lovely anecdote, and I’m so glad Bush would never exploit that Marine for political gain. You gonna pay to make up for what you did to him, George? Or is he gonna be hit with a bill for his food and medical expenses when he gets out of Bethesda?

Yeah and that guy only had to commit murder for you and get wounded to buy that privilege. God you make me sick, you self-righteous little prick.

If you ignore the fact that it’s all bullshit, it’s not a bad speech. If it was being made by somebody who wasn’t lying with every breath he took, it might not be so horrifying. This is what continually makes me sick, you know? I’d love for all these pretty words to be unalterably true. But I have no confidence that they are even close.

Genius? Genius? Where is watertiger’s desk?…

He was coherent. It’ll give him a bump. The goddamn son of a bitching hypocrite.

(CNN postgame note: GAAAAAH. Lou Dobbs is BRIGHT ORANGE! Either the lighting guy fucked up big time, or he’s finally become the Great Pumpkin.)

A.