Columnwhoring: War on Christmas, Bitches!

We won’t go until we get some:

I’ve spent the past week getting ready for the War on Christmas.

Nativity scene?


Numerous CDs of the loudest, most annoying carols ever recorded?


Garlands, trimmings, cards and candles?


Figgy pudding?

Check and (burp) check.

I am ready to do battle with the secular forces of evil determined to destroy my holiday. Armed with nothing but a DVD of “The Muppet’s Christmas Carol” and an inflatable plastic snowman, I will beat back the horde of invading bah-humbuggers and save the Navidad.

I’ve even been rehearsing my battle cry, courtesy of the Chipmunks Christmas song:


I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.


8 thoughts on “Columnwhoring: War on Christmas, Bitches!

  1. Ah, yes. The War on Christmas. It’s my favorite war of all time, after the War of the Ring.
    Here in lovely Madison, Wisconsin, the state puts up a “holiday tree” in the capitol building. Which is just fucking stupid. You get Christians up in arms that their Christmas tree has been stolen. What they fail to realize, of course, is that the tree is a pagan Germanic symbol used to commemorate the Roman feast of Saturnalia.
    I mean, really–shouldn’t true Christians not want Christmas trees at all? I guess a Christian war on Christmas trees would just be too confusing.

  2. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! All true Christians want a Christmas tree! It has the word “Christmas” on it! OUT VILE BETRAYER!
    I mean, erm, I like trees.
    Fire bad, tree pretty.

  3. Jude,
    some of the smaller Christian groups DO directly ignore Christmas for several reasons, such as it is never mentioned in the Bible.
    Of course, us mainstream folks use that to call them a cult.
    Oddly enough, I have my own personal war on Christmas. By having non-believers celebrate it and by corrupting a religious event into a “commerce day” marathon, I hate how it has lost its meaning. But of course, I’m Catholic where Easter is the REAL BIG blowout and Christmas itself is important but not as big a deal. To me, celebrating Christmas so big is akin to celebrating Easter without celebrating Good Friday.

  4. Actually, Christmas trees a very, erm… Christian. Well, as Christian as anything else about Christmas.
    Columnwhoring leads to blogwhoring. I warned you.
    Christmas trees and their, well, more or less origins:here.
    P.S. that song is set as the ring tone on my cell when my daughter calls. She’s 15. She hates hearing me say that.

  5. I wouldn’t celebrate it if it weren’t for my family. I am, however, looking forward to the approximately days off I’ll probably get between 22 December and 2 January, since everything about the business I work in will basically be dead.

  6. Heh, the figgy pudding song is also one of my faves. Our chorus learned an arrangement of it last year, and it quickly became the source of many laughs because the tendency is for it to end up sounding like “Weeeeee SHH…SSS-SSS! SHH…SSS-SSS! SHH…SSS-SSS! And a Happy New Year!” I’m also rather fond of the Muppets version, with Animal’s “Won’t go, Won’t Go! Won’t GO!! WON’T GOOOOOO!” Hee.
    Yep, time to break out the epic Christmas mp3 CD I did last year–4 hours of Christmas greats. My faves: The King’s Singers doing “The Wexford Carol” and “Simple Gifts” (both achingly beautiful), Louis Armstrong’s “Cool Yule” and “‘Zat You, Santa Claus?”, the Bing Crosby and Andrews Sisters “Mele Kalikimaka” and just about anybody doing Oh, Holy Night.

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