Republicanism Explained

Lee Atwater. It all started with this prick.

In the last few months, as the scavengers have picked at the carcass of the Republican party, I’ve heard a lot of people talk about what “conservatism” means. Most recently, the New York Times saw fit to address the issue inthis waste of virtual space.

Well, I can’t definitively say what “conservatism” means. I possess no advanced degrees, am not a philosopher, and have almost no knowledge of political science.


I can tell you what Republicanism means, and that, I think, is a more germane issue. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, we don’t have a “Conservative” party on our ballots. No. We have a “Republican” one. So figuring out what they stand for seems to be a much more useful endeavor than attempting to define “conservatism.”

Well, I’ve done a lot of observing and thinking, and it seems to me that the Republican party stands for two things.

  1. Tax cuts are the cure for everything, including the common cold.
  2. Fuck you.

And that’s pretty much it. All of the shit that the Republicans do flows from those two points.

I know what you’re thinking. “What about the religious right?” “What about the anti-science stand?” “What about the neocons?” “What about all of the other cherished bullshit of the GOP?”

They can all be explained by number two. The Republicans don’t really care about God. They just like to use him to tell people “fuck you.” Women want to control their own reproductive systems? Fuck you. People want to get married to whatever other adult they want? Fuck you. There’s overwhelming evidence that life on earth is billions of years old? Fuck you.

The same applies to their foreign policy. What, you aren’t happy with us starting a war with a country that never attacked us? Fuck you. Don’t like our carbon emissions or bullshit missile defense? Fuck you. Pissed off that we abducted and tortured your citizens? Fuck you.

And on and on it goes. These people aren’t interested in cutting spending or in limited government–they spend like drunken sailors (I would know) and want to regulate who, when, and where you can fuck. That’s about as fiscally irresponsible and intrusive as government can get. They don’t care about patriotism or families. And “drill, baby, drill” was just a “fuck you” that was acceptable to the FCC.

As for # 1, they keep parroting that insane fucking line no matter what. Got a surplus? Cut taxes. In a deficit? Cut taxes. Booming times? Cut taxes. Worst economy since the Great Depression? We need to–you guessed it–cut taxes. They never explain how it would work. It’s an article of faith. I mean, when agroup of imaginary creatures from a cardboard cut-out cartoon show has a better economic model than a major political party, things are really fucked up. Yet, somehow, they still get taken seriously. There are a lot of things I don’t understand about the world. That fact is about forty of those things.

So it comes down to this: Republicanism is an ideology by and for bullies. But not the kind of bullies who have the guts to get in actual fights, even if the deck is stacked in their favor. No. They hire people to do their fighting for them. Even in their grand and glorious overseas crusades, the ones where they denounce everyone who opposes them as cowards and appeasers, these cocksuckers stay on the sidelines. How many prominent Republicans ran out and enlisted after 9/11? How about before the Iraq war? Which major Republican pundits were cops? Not a goddamn one. Why? All talk, no action.

They’re the kind of bullies who love to pick on anyone at the lower end of the economic ladder. It’s what weak, shitty people do. What, you want health care you can afford? Fuck you. Your kids need better schools? Fuck you. Workers want to be able to form unions to get better pay and benefits? Oh, fuck you.

That tax cut shit is bullying, too. Because they don’t really care about cutting your taxes. No. They want to cut rich people’s taxes. It’s like they read the story of Robin Hood and thought he was robbing the wrong people. And, since somebody eventually has to pay the bill for all the costs the government incurs when it’s out invading sovereign countries that have never threatened us, who do you think gets left with the tab? That’s right. The people who can least afford it.


Because fuck you.

So I guess Republicanism has just one premise after all.

36 thoughts on “Republicanism Explained

  1. Python’s got this covered;
    Dennis Moore… Dennis Moore… steals from the poor… and gives to the rich… STUPID BITCH

  2. At some point shall we also muse amongst our well-intentioned souls as to what it now means to be Democrats?
    I would welcome a more progressive, less round-heeled, less mush-mouthed, less horseshit, less corporately co-opted party lest it become necessary to look elsewhere.

  3. This is brilliant with brilliant sauce. (As my dear friend Interrobang might say.)
    Okay. Now step two. I have a relative who you could say this whole post to and his response would be…
    “So? What you going to do about it? We are still running the show. It just looks like we lost. Our ideology still rules the minds of millions of powerful people and we are getting our way. What do you have that can beat that? Nothing. You are weak and we are strong. You think Bush failed? No. He only failed the WEAK, they got weaker. The rich won and we got stronger. You Dems are a bunch of pussies who can’t make money and align yourself with the weak and poor. The poor aren’t going to help you when times are tough. The rich that you hate so much are the ones now provide the jobs that keep this country running.”
    Then he will go on to taunt you about “your buddy Obama” bring up something about Clinton and NAFTA and how Jimmy Carter was the worse President ever. He looks like he is giving ground by saying Bush is bad, but he gets around it by saying, “But he was never a conserative. I voted for him twice but Gore and Kerry were worse.”
    He will explain why Obama can’t fix the economy he’s just going to make it worse. Then for the final attack he will point out that he is rich, has a good job and you don’t. You are an unemployed blogger therefore Republicanism works. Q.E.D.

  4. Spocko, I think the only reply to this relative of yours is (you guessed it) “fuck you.” After all, it may be the only thing he understands.

  5. Do you stand with the shat-upon, or the shitters.
    That brings up an interesting metaphysical point: if someone is a shit head, are they shat upon? Or are they a shitter, spewing forth shit from the top of their heads like a giant shit fountain?
    The Republican party isn’t just for bullies, though. It’s also for toadies.

  6. Spocko, I think the only reply to this relative of yours is (you guessed it) “fuck you.” After all, it may be the only thing he understands.
    Posted by: BruceH
    Response: “Where’s your “tolerance” for other’s point of view? Can’t you debate with out resorting to foul language? You are just saying that because you can’t win the argument. Come on, spar with me. I’ll even spot you that Bush was a bad President!

  7. Spocko,
    Is your relative better off now than he was in 2000?
    If so your reply is, “enjoy it while you can.”
    If not ask him, “so, what good did it do you?”

  8. The Other Sarah: Good question. It’s kind of complicated.
    I even bring this stuff up because Jude DOES encapsulate an attitude and it works for some people. It’s like are they rich because they are arrogant or in spite of it? And when their belief system fails and can be shown to have failed they will not let go because to let go is to admit they were wrong. It’s like Bush never admitting he made a mistake.
    What is especially interesting are the people who will continue to cling to their failed beliefs and then say that it is because YOU haven’t offered them anything better.

  9. Hope Lee Atwater has lots of sunscreen where he is now.
    That’s called karma, bitch.
    Rich people are of two groups, established rich and new rich.
    Established rich have no experience being without the necessities of life. They’ve always had what they need; their problem is filling their time. They see other people as separate, outsiders to their existence. Some try to join with the ‘rabble’ in an attempt at being different, perhaps even ‘dirty’ or ‘unclean’. Others just stay within their gilded bubble, only seeing the rest of humanity in controlled doses. They too, see the others through the same ‘unclean’ lens.
    New rich are people who, in some way, are manic about their wealth. They may have been born without or with little and, perhaps due to a particular personality type, strive to get beyond that with success. Since they overcame their lot in life, they feel that anyone can do it. Poverty is a personal failure to these people, a lack of motivation. It never occurs to them that their success may be because of situations or circumstances that most poor people do not have. They see poor people as themselves without the drive, a reflection of what they would have become if they hadn’t become rich. It’s like a reverse mirror. When they look at themselves in a normal mirror, they see themselves as successful. When they look at the poor, they see themselves as a failure. This is why they are hostile to the poor.
    Both groups separate the poor from their delusion of humanity. To them the poor aren’t real, they are shadows that lurk in the corners of success. If they were to acknowledge them, they would have to acknowledge their relationship to them. This would, in their eyes connect them with failure and worthlessness and that might burst their bubble. To see the poor as anything else would require a leap of faith. How can you have faith if you are without a soul.
    Exceptions abound, but are certainly not the rule. And the rule comes from Ronald Reagan: “Fuck the poor!”

  10. Exactly!! Every time I hear one of these a-holes go on and on about their precious “conservative values” I want to hurl. What have they ever done except RUIN this country with their stupid nonsense. I can’t think of one thing “conservatism” has done for this country! The founders would hate these pricks more than I do.

  11. JK Galbraith said it best: The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.
    The majority of contemporary ‘conservatives’ are parvenues…

  12. The problem is not the Republican’s the response to it.
    Where I grew up…being told “Fuck You” was typically followed by two hits…me hitting you…you hitting the floor.

  13. I’m going to have to say it, even though Spocko beat me to it.
    That was brilliant with brilliant sauce.
    DavidAquarius’ comment was also brilliant with a brilliant reduction glaze served on a bed of garden fresh organic brilliant. There was one of those types hyping his book on some conservobot site linked over at Sadly, No!, the author of which had put himself into a homeless shelter with $25 in his pocket and a year later had a job, an apartment, a pickup truck, and $2500 in savings… Sotherefore anyone can do the same thing, right?
    Of course, Buddy is kind of forgetting he started out with a pat hand, namely that he’s an able-bodied white man with a good education and, more than likely, good teeth. (You’d be amazed at how bad teeth ruin your job prospects; and how many truly poor people have them.) Change any one of those variables (able-bodied to disabled or chronically ill, white to non-white, well-educated to poorly-educated, good teeth to bad teeth) and watch a lot of that privilege fall away as though it was never there in the first place.
    Which is how it is for a lot of people…

  14. Here’s hoping the mask gets pulled off these toadies over the next two years. For some of us it is very clear already, but it needs to be hammered home in the media.
    Look at the record : increase the minimum wage for we the people? EFF YOU.
    Corporate tax cuts? Oh yeah.
    Buy american? Eff YOU.
    I found it hard to believe McCain would even bring up his opposition to buy american in the latest stimulus package.
    You know that can’t won’t play well in most of this country.

    Republicans are practicing forms of demagoguery and guerrilla obstructionism that are intended to destabilize our economy for purposes of political exploitation. Republicans AREN’T making a sincere effort to stop the bleeding their incompetent leadership and failed policies created. Instead, they are using conflicting economic theories as a smokescreen to conceal their real agenda, which is to undermine President Obama and cause him to fail. Republicans are professing their disgraceful political whoring had nothing to do with the banking, real estate, stock market and employment failures that resulted. Republicans are shamelessly trying to block the success of Democratic governance, which is a concerted effort to further damage America, rather than undo or fix its problems. Republicans are offering up subjective controversial arguments they know no one can agree on in order to disrupt and deny constructive change. They want political gridlock for strictly PARTISAN POLITICAL purposes. That’s how they gained power and that’s how they’re trying to retain it. I don’t see them as being the loyal opposition. I see them as an ENEMY WITHIN whose political ambitions have distorted their moral and ethical standards to the point that treachery and betrayal are their preferred weapons of choice. It’s one thing for Republicans to stand up for their conservative beliefs; it’s another thing entirely to deliberately sabotage our government because a successful America would not be vulnerable to the fears and hatreds that created and sustained Republican extremism.

  16. You should have added another item. They are staunch protagonists of pure, unadulterated, unregulated, unsupervised capitalism.
    Now capitalism is a good idea. It promotes ingenuity, progress, creativity, in Manufacturing, Science, Biology and such, but in the Financial field, creativity has promoted Greed. Madoff, Big company CEOs, especially Banking and Investments. Here it requires government involvement, because only the government has police powers. Then we need another business to be converted to socialism. That is insurance. Insurance should be mandatory for all who work and allow the option to purchase whatever insurance they wish, allow the option to obtain insurance thru a non-profit company whose main purpose is to provide essential medical and preventive care insurance at rates equal to those in the following option, but may offer additional (elective) coverage at an additional premium. Those who do not elect either of these two, will be automatically enrolled in a program like, or similar to Medicare run by the government or farmed out to an organization regulated by the government. Companies who wish to provide mediacal insurance for their employees will only be required to pay the premium set by the government, and charge the employee to include spouse and children at a proscribed rate. This in turn will help companies who are adversely affected by high insurance rates.
    Nobody – nobody – should get rich off the misfortunes of others, but act like ‘My brother’s keeper’.

  17. You want to know the difference between liberals and conservatives?
    Way back in the beginning of the bible, there is a guy who asks God a question. You may remember it. He asks, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
    If you answer yes to this question, you are a liberal. If you answer no, you are a conservative.
    That’s pretty much the story.

  18. Atwater??? Really??? I’d lay this whole mess at the feet of Joe McCarthy and if one person has to be singled out, I’d point the cannon at Kevin Philips. Apologizing after the fact is part of the GOP strategy and I’m not having any of it. Philips begat Atwater who begat Rove…and they’re all part of the same rotten bloodline.

  19. Re: David Aquarius’ comments
    Good observations! Reminds me of my Sociology 100 class, where I picked up a sense of “class consciousness”. I’m chronically unemployed due to a disability, and have been poor for most of my adult life, in spite of a university degree.
    I especially liked the comment that the rich “separate the poor from their delusion of humanity.” I don’t know if you have this stuff in the U.S., but here in Canada I’ve noticed some serious poor-bashing in the conservative viewpoints items in the newspapers. For example, plenty of griping about how those non-taxpaying free-loading loser low-income people always vote the wrong way (i.e. Liberal or New Democrat). Also, ever time there’s a protest about poverty and/or homelessness, the response is “We pay taxes; you don’t; fuck off.”

  20. i think you’re giving lee atwater way too much credit.
    republicans were republicans long before lee atwater took his first breath.
    other than that — fucking brilliant with fucking brilliant fucking sauce.

  21. I don’t engage in conversation of any kind with any of my conservative relatives, especially my sister.
    I don’t acknowledge her in any way, and she doesn’t acknowledge me. We didn’t grow up together so it’s really no big deal. It helps that she lives in Alabama and I live in MA.
    She’s a racist jack-ass so she’s probably pissed that Obama won. Good.

  22. Facist Christ 1.0 – TR-i
    Founding fathers and mothers left us a mandate
    We’ve got to separate the church and the state
    So get your head straight before it’s too late
    And you drop it in the plate, you must appreciate
    Jesus and money make a man speak in tongues
    Scream out his lungs, roll in the dung
    And when the song is sung, he moves up another rung
    And the deaf and the dumb are the ones who get stung
    Here comes the sex police, they’re at your bedroom door
    Movin’ in next door, searchin’ from floor to floor
    You know what they’re lookin’ for
    Someone’s always keepin’ score every time you dip the oar
    Love isn’t fun no more
    Fascist christ, come to the rescue
    Gimme that old time religion, here it comes
    Let’s get fundamental about this strange philosophy
    In which god and man are enemies
    In which there is no serenity unless you happen to believe
    Precisely what they want you to believe, and no diversity
    Come join the army and learn the noises
    That drown out the others’ voices and please the devil
    Who rejoices when mankind has no choices
    And power exploits us, and peace avoids us
    Guess who to the rescue on a holy mission
    To uphold the tradition of the Spanish Inquisition
    And preempt your decision by forcing your confession
    Now let that be a lesson
    Who do you think you’re messin’ with?
    Somebody took our god away

  23. I’m a republican, and here you call me a bully, a bigot, a liar and a moron over and over again without ever having met me. You don’t know how educated I am, how religious I am, or how bigoted I am.
    How can you spout so much bullshit without breaking up in laughter? Honestly man, stop trying to be so black and white, and stop trying to act like you know me or what I stand for, because you’ve clearly demonstrated that you know nothing about the republican party.

  24. Conservatives believe in a small application of government, and liberals believe in a large government.
    Bush was not a conservative. He was very liberal. Go back through all his policies and analyze what he really did. How many of them expanded government? How many of them shrank government? You’ll find that there are far more of the former.
    Obama is also liberal, but in different areas. They are actually somewhat similar economically.
    I do not believe that the government should have the right to tell me what to do with my money, life, etc, as long as I don’t infringe on another person’s rights.
    Here’s an interesting situation that I deal with on a yearly basis:
    I’m a 21 year old white male in school. My parents make too much for me to get any government help, but they can’t afford to pay for my school. I have a partial tuition waiver based on achievement that I earned. In order to help counter some of the costs that I incur on a yearly basis, I took on a part time job as a TA. This, combined with my work over the summer, actually makes it to where I have to pay taxes. Some of those taxes pay for tuition for poor students. How is that right?
    I don’t believe anyone supersedes the earner’s right to his money. Taxes should be used for infrastructure and protection. Nothing else.
    Why do conservatives favor tax cuts?
    A tax cut is one way to increase the average earning potential of consumers, which is the easiest way to bolster demand in any market for non-inferior goods (an inferior good is one that you buy more of as you get poorer, like ramen). This boosts consumption, which boosts the money in the economy.
    Liberals tend to favor a Keynesian approach, which works very well in theory. If the government was efficient, it would actually work perfectly. Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, the government is anything but efficient, so many economists suggest that a very light application of Keynes be applied. Personally, I think Keynes would be turning in his grave if he knew what we would do to his theory.
    Unregulated capitalism has not existed in this country in over a century. Deregulation has actually never occurred; we just tend to slap more and more on in order to fix whatever issue we’ve created with a previous law.
    Most lawmakers have a degree in law, not economics. Why would you trust them?

  25. Almost 100 years ago the first Republican was elected to office. That was Abraham Lincoln. I cannot imagine him ever saying “Fuck You” to anybody (malice towards none, charity for all”
    Another prominent Republican was Theodore Roosevelt. He might have said “Fuck You” But he was a cop, and never shied away from a fight. He won the Congregational Medal of Honor and a Nobel Peace Prize.
    Without even trying I’ve kinda dismantled your argument.
    Perhaps if you had changed it from “Republican” to “Bush Administration” or “Post-Reagan Republicans” or “Neo-Con Conservatives”
    If you are going to judge the entirety of a political party, you need to look a little bit farther back in there history than 8 years.

  26. How outrageous- people vote for socialists then complain when the socialists present them with the bill. Americans, more specifically, liberal tax and spend Democrats, are stupid. They perpetuate the victim mentality that is so pervasive today, ultimately dooming us all to mediocrity. Taxing the high earners disproportionately to to give more money to the lower earners is not sustainable.
    The government is guilty of running the biggest Ponzi scheme of all, under the color of authority.
    Throw congress in jail.

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