Carving orange pumpkins sounds
like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else
does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode ofDifferent Strokes—specifically
the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with
sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies
and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely
fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any
favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I’m
going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of
the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going
to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not
summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull
your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house.
I do not generally decorate for fall. It gets in the way of putting up the Christmas decorations months early.