It’s Decorative Gourd Season!


Carving orange pumpkins sounds
like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else
does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode ofDifferent Strokes—specifically
the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with
sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies
and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely
fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any
favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m
going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of
the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going
to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not
summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull
your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to fucking love my house.

I do not generally decorate for fall. It gets in the way of putting up the Christmas decorations months early.


7 thoughts on “It’s Decorative Gourd Season!

  1. I love to decorate for Halloween and the fall. (since a Houston ‘fall’ lasts all of 5 minutes between endless summer and the laugh we call ‘winter’, I feel it ‘extends’ the season…autumnal viagra if you will)
    I have a black pre-lit tree that I load up w/masks, Halloween decos, sparkly skulls and various and sundry black & orange gras doux. Probably just after Thanksgiving, I’ll swap some of the goodies out for the remaning (thanks to H’cane Ike flooding my storage tub) Yule-tide ornaments I have.
    As soon as I finish celebrating Yule, it’s time to swap those green & red bad boys out for Mardi Gras! 🙂
    So, my tree is multi-seasonal and stays set-up for about 5 months. 🙂

  2. The parody of the link goes a little far for my tastes.
    But I’m with you A, it used to be the calendar and changing of seasons gave a certain regularity to life.
    Now, the halloween stuff is out in July and XMass stuff by the end of August. But the town goes crazy if you should happen to have a tree up for 1 second past Dec. 26th (Especially fun if you would like to celebrate the Orthodox way and the tree doesn’t go up before Christmas and stays up till Epiphany.).
    Besides dulling the season, it saps all the religious connotation out of it.

  3. I live in a small charming town that’s known primarily for being small and charming. They go NUTS for Halloween. Mountains of pumpkins,all the merchants assemble pumpkin people (stuffed dummies with Pumpkin heads)for a contest, there are seasonal decorations hung on the sides of the bridge across the river, and the whole town shuts down on Halloween eve and everyone brings their kids to the town square for trick or treat.
    It’s alternately oppressive and delightful, depending on one’s mood and the day.

  4. This article now has me putting the beaucoup pumpkins and gourds crammed in the Whole Foods in a whole ‘nother light, not to mention the folks who pick those up. So many people see the variety of glorified squash and suddenly realize they led imperfect lives before they decided to take blue pumpkins home and the tools that would allow them to carve a Tiffany window into them.
    Thanks to the Discovery Channel and the like, I now associate pumpkins with giant catapults and air cannons designed to fling them as far as possible. I wish we could do that in our neighborhood, but the broken windows and irate neighbors would put a mighty crimp in those plans.

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