Malaka Of The Week: Carl Paladino

The hills are alive with the sound of malakatude. It’s the year of the crazy andmy friend Jeffrey is convinced that it’s 1994 all over again. I hope he’s wrong but one piece of history will not repeat this time around: a Cuomo will be elected Governor of New York. Andrew Cuomo is not as likeable as his father Mario who lost as a three term incumbent in the 1994 bloodbath but he’s one of those rare hard ass Dems that we need more of. There was one outlier poll showing his opponent, this week’s malaka, Carl Paladino down by 6 points but I expect that Paladino’s big noisy bazoo will sink his candidacy. He’s too obnoxious for New York and that’s obnoxious. He’s even too angry for 2010 and that’s too angry.

Paladino first appeared on my radar screen whenTPM flagged him for sending porn emails to people who weren’t interested in nuns copulating with donkeys and shit like that. In an ordinary year, that one misstep would have been enough to castrate this dickhead’s candidacy. This, however, is the year of the crazy when the crazy is spreading like a virus at a daycare center. It’s malakatude pure and simple. That’s *my* catchphrase for 2010.

Paladino won the Gooper Goober nomination in the Empire State based on Islamophobia and a fat wallet. One issue he *has* played craftily is stoking the traditional resentment of Upstate New Yorkers against the big bad evil city. Paladino is a Buffalonian and apparently owns half the town. I’m not sure if he runs any wing joints but I’ll get back to you when I hear…

Paladino, of course, was all over the “Ground Zero mosque” story like David Vitter on a hooker. He was able to out hate Rick Lazio and ended up the hero of teabaggers who only give a shit about that small bit of Manhattan. I keep waiting for one of these bozos to demand that all nearby bars and peep shows be closed because it’s sacred ground. Given what we know about Mr. Paladino’s libido, he’s unlikely to lead that charge…

Paladino hit the headlines again the other day when he made up a story about Andrew Cuomo’s alleged skirt chasing while married. He figured it was fair game to lie because everyone was talking about his love child. What is it with Noo Yawk Republicans? First, Vito Fosetta and now my pal, Paladino. Keep your pants zipped, dude, which, of course, rhymes with malakatude. Paladino exudes malakatude. Okay, I gotta stop this. I could do this all day and I have anEd Balls joke coming up so it’s time to circle back to the love child:

Expected the Supremes, didn’t you? Holy Buddokan, Batman.

The same day Paladino was called on his whopper, he threatened to open a can of whoop-ass on a reporter from the New York Post who was singing the *other*Love Child at him. (Not really but that would be something.) Malaka Carl was quoted as saying “I’ll take you out, buddy.” As much as I dislike the Murdoch press, the Post is not known for attacking Republicans, so I believe the aptly named Fred Dicker’s story. Dicker meet Dickhead:

This current group of wingnut malakas are fond of threatening violence if they don’t get their way even after holding their breath til they turn blue. They *almost* make Newt’s crew look sane, the key word is almost. The class of ’94 wingnuts tried to keep the crazy under wraps for awhile at least. This time, the Paladinos and Angles are as Ed Balls would surely say: “barking mad and fucking barmy.” (That was for you, triple-J.)

New York has had a long run of distinguished governors of both parties: Charles Evans Hughes, Al Smith, FDR, Herbert Lehman, Tom Dewey, Rocky, and Mario the great. I remain sad that Mario Cuomo never ran for President but if you don’t have the fire in the belly you shouldn’t run. It’s hard to imagine Carl Paladino in their company and now that Andrew has unsheathed his knife, I’m confident that he’ll be the next Governor. I think he’ll be a good one too. Andrew Cuomo can be a dick but never a malaka. Carl Paladino is all the of above and more. In fact, he’s the malaka’s malaka.

Okay, New York voters, send this palooka back to palookavile.

5 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Carl Paladino

  1. Paladino appeals to a well-entrenched swath of outer borough and upstate rednecks (for lack of a better word). NY state as a whole is not the storied liberal let’s all get along oasis some folks think NYC is. (For that matter, NYC isn’t really either but people get along because they HAVE to – live and let live has a practical aspect to it. )
    I lived in Westchester – Yonkers to be specific (forced school integration anyone?) for a year and during that time there was a horrific incident up the road in Dobb’s Ferry- a black man was shot in the middle of the day in front of witnesses by an off duty cop during a fight over a PARKING SPACE. Those are Paladino’s voters.

  2. Gamiesu! How dare they call Carl crazy or dangerous after Spitzer and Paterson! Stick a plunger up Cuomolectual Cox Yucker Bloombugger’s nose to relieve his congestion pricing and his metric system. Spray DDT to kill the bedbugs and roaches that infest Manhattan minds. When we were allowed to smoke, TB and bedbugs got fumigated. Parasite Manhattan residents, like Washington DC and exconvicts should not be allowed to vote, unless they want to vote in Europe. Move all the parasite universities to Manhattan and tax all college degrees and net present value of rent control to reduce our property taxes. Require a valid driver license for any employment. Double tax any parasite not working for profit. Build and join rail hubs at Woodside and West Farms to bypass Manhattan. Liberate Long Island City and Brooklyn from over a century of 1898 Tamanend oppression. Move UN, missions, residences to Governor’s Island surrounded by gators. Anyone who shops at Whole Foods must consume at least one of their own organs weekly. Apartment dwellers must consume any vermin found on their premises. Turn Central Park into a smelly green waste processing facility. Firebrand the forehead of anyone having an abortion. Access in and out of subway stations should only be by firepole. David Broder in the Washington Post of July 25, 1984, called Mario Cuomo “one of the most artful manipulators since Machiavelli”. In the May 15, 1984 New York Times B1 Mario Cuomo called civil defense planning (such as might have prevented 9/11) futile “Cuomo said that prayer was the best preparation for a nuclear attack. He also urged everyone to read ‘The Butter Battle Book’ by Dr. Seuss for a clearer understanding of the issues.” Your islamosympathic gutterswabbing clothing and pierced privates spread disease. If you weren’t such baby killing, vermin snuggling perverts you wouldn’t be driving up our health costs, then collecting disability for your commie nutty organizing dementia. Your passive aggressive labor unions grab our guns, cars (congestion pricing), balls (SONDA), wallets, and homes but we will grab your throats and dang you from trailer bone tolls. Second Amendment is the ONLY Homeland Security. Wait until we waste all your stumbent subprimes, so you need to sell your affectation glutton art and work instead of diverting tuition and Y2K scams to soviet freezeniks! Deport immigrants who return to their home country more than once every five years. Lynch soviet wealth fund abetting aghadhimmic peakies when oil plummets! Parasites complain about salaries but pig out on benefits. Aqua volte! This land wasn’t built by bully craps.

  3. I don’t pay any/much attention to these clowns, but when you wrote “a malaka’s malaka”, I sat up and took notice. If it wasn’t for the fear induced Republican blowback, Cuomo, as unlikeable as he is, would win by a sizeable margin. But these ain’t ordinary times, whatever that means. I do hear that Paladino’s opening up a wing-nut chain serving up tasty concoctions of wings with various nut based sauces.

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