Malaka Of The Week: Phil Robertson


I don’t get the popularity of Duck Dynasty. I’ve watched it a few times and have gotten bored so I asked myself why the duck am I watching this and stopped. I do, however, know people who like it, and I’m tolerant of their enjoyment of a bunch of rich dudes in ZZ Top beards reading lines some hack writer has handed them. It’s what passes for reality teevee in 2013. I remain intolerant of people who say stupid shit and lecture others about sin and morality and that’s why camo-wearing, biblethumping Phil Roberston is malaka of the week.

For some reason, Robertson let snarkmeister Drew Magary follow him around and write a profile for GQ entitled What the Duck? A good alternative title might have been Why A Duck, which is a Chico Marx line from Duck Soup but I digress. Anyway, it’s no mystery that Duck Dynasty plays best in the red state/hookworm belt and that Phil Robertson is a right winger but being a homophobic bigot isn’t good for your Q Score.Here are some quotes I cribbed from a Yahoo News account of Robertson’s malakatude

Speaking with GQ, Robertson lamented that when “everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong … sin becomes fine.” So just what qualifies as sinful in his book?

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there — bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he declared.

Phil probably should have cut himself off at this point, but instead he paraphrased Corinthians. “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God,” he warned. “Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

What’s more, according to him, it’s basically incomprehensible. “It seems to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus,” he explained. “That’s just me. I’m just thinking, ‘There’s more there! She’s got more to offer.’ I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Sexuality is definitely NOT logical and neither is Phil Robertson. Has he never read any of Drew Magary’s work? Magary is a walking gotcha question, if that makes any sense. These damn fool quotes also clarify why Duck Dynasty is scripted: homophobia is increasingly unacceptable except apparently among rich guys with long hair, unkempt beards, and no fashion sense. 40 years ago a guy who looked like Phil Robertson would have gotten his ass kicked in Monroe, LA (pronounced Mun-row for some reason) for being a hippie beardo. I guess that means there’s been some progress up in North Louisiana but not when it comes to “sin.”

Duck Dynasty bills itself as harmless fun for the whole family. That’s why Robertson’s letting his bigot flag fly is such a stupid thing to do. Every time an entertainer says something controversial they pay a price with some segment of their audience. A lot of those folks who’ve never tooted a duck call, toted a shotgun, or grown a long raggedy beard are going to be put off by Robertson’s egregious malakatude and that’s why Phil Roberston is malaka of the week.

I cannot wait until Morrissey chimes in on this…

7 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Phil Robertson

  1. Something tells me that the fans of Duck Dynasty are in total agreement with Phil Robertson’s comments. But I do love his equating bestiality with “sleeping around.” What IS it with conservatives and bestiality?

  2. i despise ‘realitee teevee + OMG i hate hate this duck thing. my aunt watches + it is sooooooooo WYF? funny? laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. i don’t even care to finish reading this.
    NO WANT!!!!

  3. These are local folk here. I have been amazed that they’ve made so much bank on their harmless, “family friendly” reality show. It’s silly, grab-ass Teevee, with no screaming or hurt feelings.
    What Phil thinks this is no surprise. That he spoke of it shocks in that he has taken a position that is abhorant to the modern, secular world. His agent was not there. I guess.
    There already been “mini-controversy” stories about the end-of-show prayers, and how Phil insists he praises Jesus, etc…
    Next are the ignorant stories about how the Duck guy is having his FIRST AMENDMENT rights violated because he suffers public ridicule (and some monetary loss, most likely) because of what he freely said. Eh…
    We’ve never seen this shit before, right Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods? Really, this is a culture that admires Ted Fucking Nugent. Whaddya expect?

  4. Hmm. And here I was hoping that if there is a “kingdom of God,” that assholes wouldn’t inherit it, too, since they seem to be doing so well here on earth.

  5. Actually that Chico quote is from “The Coconuts”.
    Otherwise, spot on.
    Besides, the hair, beards, camo, etc were added before shooting to promote the image the show required.
    I’ve seen pics of them after they got rich, and before the show.
    They’re wearing cardigans and playing golf.

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