In Which We Learn It Is the Wife’s Job to Stop Her Husband from Cheating

accidental affair

Part the 11,000th: 

Holy shit, ladies, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you agree to hire a hot nanny, especially if you have a celebrity poonhound husband? I’d never let some hot dude prance around my house in his skivvies, unless I was ok with him banging my wife. Because the assumption has to be that it is happening. Unless Jen is ok with it, that has been known to happen too. But that is not the case with most women.

Yeah, LADIES. What is wrong with you? Why do you keep sticking your husband’s dick in other women? I mean, God, here you were thinking you were hiring somebody to take care of the kids while you, I dunno, worked or took a shower or whatever, and all the while you were forcing your husband to fuck someone! GROSS. Get it together, moms.

(True story time: None of the people we interviewed to take care of Kick were particularly hello-lookit-me-swimsuit-model sexy. I was, however, so fucking out of it with post-partum despair that even if they’d shown up looking like Nicole Kidman I don’t think my first thought would have been, “We can’t hire her, she’s too much of a babe and Mr. A will wind up screwing her.” Most likely I’d have thought, “Great, someone who knows about skin care, the baby will need that someday.”)

I’m not saying there are no urges, or that deliberately tempting those urges is a good thing. Of course there are urges. People are people and putting a ring on your finger doesn’t mean you don’t look at somebody and go, “Wow, you’re cute and 15 years ago you’d have been all my sort of thing …” We don’t talk about this and I think it knocks some of us flat, the first time we’re attracted to someone after we’re married or committed. Like how can this still be happening, I’m married. Yeah, you’re not blind, though.

And while I wouldn’t advocate hiring a busty redhead to babysit for your adorable toddler if busty redheads are what you’re into, you don’t get a free pass when you find someone attractive, either. Put a good-looking man next to me and have him buy me scotch and talk Babylon 5: If I make out with him, I’m still doing that which I have agreed not to do, and the level of temptation involved does not decrease my culpability. (Unless it is Harrison Ford. There is an exception for Harrison Ford in our house. For either/both of us.) This isn’t about your feelings, it’s about your actions.

It’s not anybody’s job to police yours except your own.