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The Stapling

I love old horror movies. I’ve always been a Vincent Price kinda guy, but I now find myself identifying with Boris Karloff. Here’s why:

That was probably TMI for social media but there’s never enough I for First Draft. I rarely play straight man here but am willing to do so on the Tweeter Tube. My friends may be cruel, but they’re funny. Click on this link for more merriment at my expense. My Twitter handle is Shecky, but I feel more like Rodney Dangerfield right now.

Here’s what happened. It was the stupidest accident I’ve ever had and I’m a lifelong klutz. We soaked our trash bin to remove the Debrisville Post Ida Stank from it. I flipped open the lid, then tried to lean it over to pour out the schmutz. That’s when wet grass acted as a banana peel, and I did a pratfall. My head bashed into the rim of the open bin. That’s where things got bloody.

My forehead turned into a gusher reminiscent of the scene in Giant where James Dean strikes oil on Rock Hudson’s ranch.

Since I was doing dirty work, I was wearing an old t-shirt, which I turned into a tourniquet of sorts. Still, the blood flowed like the Monty Python parody of Sam Peckinpah:

I called not Elizabeth Taylor but Dr. A who took me to an Urgent Care joint to get stapled. I already needed a tetanus shot after stepping on a roofing screw at the cemetery cleanup in honor of my late friend Will. That’s what I get for doing yard work.

I’m at the stage of life where everything reminds me of a story. This is an odd one. Long ago and far away, I worked as a paralegal on a massive anti-trust case. All the users of cement were suing all the cement companies. I was firmly on the plaintiffs’ side.

I worked on the document production at Kaiser Cement HQ in Oakland. In the pre-digital age that meant micro-filming documents. I’d sort through the paperwork and select stuff for them to shoot. It was dull, laborious work. FYI, Shapiro worked at the home office as a coder. We go back farther than either of us is willing to admit.

You’re probably wondering where this is leading. Me too.

I spent a lot of time assessing expense accounts; some valid, others dubious. There was one sales rep who used a lot of staples. I dubbed him 12-staple McGahey. I’m not quite sure if that was the name but he was a Scotsman.

I’m certainly not a Scotsman but one could call me 6-staple Adrastos right now. I cannot wait for the stapling to end and for the scabbing to commence.

A closing message in the spirit of Karloff as interpreted by Phil Hartman:

FIRE BAD!

Wet grass bad too.

The last word goes to the Staples Singers:

8 thoughts on “The Stapling”

  2. Hmm, antennas to go along with the 5G microchips in the vaccines, … you must be getting excellent phone reception. You might be able to hire yourself out as a cell phone hotspot.

    :^)

    1. No no no no, the nanochips are not about cell service or tracking individual users (our cell phones do that well enough with Elon’s satellites), it’s about behavior modification. Like fluoride lithium in the water, beer and football, crotch-shots on tv, they all work together to deliver the same instruction set. Far more efficient system than metal braces on crooked teeth.

      Well, it was, until the overload …

  3. Yeah I remember the staple guy. There was also a guy who had enormous liquor bills (he obviously was in charge of party supplies)and all the coders made jokes about how he was headed for cirrhosis of the liver. Lo and behold just before I left I opened the paper to discover an obit for the guy. He died of cirrhosis of the liver.

  5. “I’m at the stage of life where everything reminds me of a story.” Amen Brother. My lovely bride has heard my staple stories (couldn’t resist) so many times she knows when one is coming before I even start it and she just gets up and leaves.

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