Witless Witness Watch

I’m not trying to help these mooks sell their books. I’ve only read Disloyal, and it was okay. I’d rather stick needles in my eyeballs than read Pence’s tome. As for Revenge, Michael Cohen’s act is beginning to wear thin. He’s become a witless witness.

Cohen’s vengeance quest conflicts with his need to be on cable news. I suspect Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg isn’t happy when Cohen pops up on MSNBC or CNN after testifying to the grand jury. Witnesses don’t usually rush from the courthouse to the makeup room but it’s a well-worn path for the former fixer.

There’s a swell piece in New York Magazine by Ankush Khardori about Cohen’s big fat bazoo, which reflexively opens when he sees cameras. I dig the title: How Michael Cohen’s Big Mouth Could Be Derailing the Trump Prosecution.

Khardori, who is a Washington lawyer, is as annoyed with Cohen as I am:

He clearly thinks very highly of himself and seems to have little awareness of his limitations — a toxic combination in both life and the law. He appears constitutionally incapable of telling the same story twice in the same way, though whether that is a function of malice, dishonesty, or some other factor is never entirely clear. He is also obsessed with taking down his former boss Trump, and he has managed to make a second career out of it — both through his podcast and his countless appearances on cable news, which have been crucial to maintaining his public prominence.

I concur with Khardori’s conclusion:

It is not clear whether or to what extent Cohen’s comments — or questions about his credibility more generally — might be playing any role in the apparent delay in the Trump proceedings. Prosecutors may already have reconciled themselves to the notion that Cohen is both central to their prospective case and that he will continue to be a nuisance until the proceeding ends, one way or another, years from now. There is, however, no question that it would be better for the case if Cohen could bring himself to stop talking for the foreseeable future, even if he appears incapable — financially, temperamentally, and psychologically — of exercising some much needed self-restraint.

I’m going to speak in ALL CAPS because that’s what Michael Cohen does: STIFLE, SHUSH, ZIP IT, PIPE DOWN, DUMMY UP, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Here’s a musical message to Michael from Squeeze:

Keep it shut, Michael.

Let’s move on to another witless witness, former Veep Mike Pence. He fancies himself as a modern Gary Cooper: the strong and silent type who’s known for underreacting to everything or as I put it a week after the Dipshit Insurrection: Mike Pence Is Made Of Calmer Stuff.

The ultimate Mike Pence moment occurred during his debate with Kamala Harris:

Pence presents himself as a Christian gentleman who knows what his duty is and does it. That’s bullshit without bluster.

Pence has been trying to have it both ways: criticizing Trump in his book and at private gatherings while trying not to alienate the feral Trump base. Tap dancing isn’t a good look for a Jesus freak, especially when feral Trumpers were the ones who chanted, “HANG MIKE PENCE.”

Pence’s tap dance is nearly over. Yesterday, the new chief judge of the DC circuit James Boasberg ordered Pence to comply with a subpoena to appear before special counsel Jack Smith’s grand jury. Pence is the key witness. He was the central figure on January 6. His refusal to go along with Trump foiled that part of the coup plot but he’s a reluctant unhero because he wants feral Trumpers to vote for him. Never gonna happen, my friend.

Bible bangers like Mike Pence use the term “God-fearing” as a sign of virtue. Instead, Mike Pence fears a much darker deity. This guy:

Former President* Pennywise’s super power is destruction. He destroys everyone who gets close. Tap dancing around him gets you nowhere. It turns you into a witless witness who’s either obsessed with him like Michael Cohen or pretends not to be like Mike Pence.

I usually try not to post featured images with decapitation issues, but I don’t care in this instance. Here’s why: the two Michaels are not only witless witnesses, they’re mooks with books.

Shut up, Michael.

Hang in there, Mike.

We need separate last words for these two former Trump sycophants. The last Cohen word goes to The Replacements:

The last Pence word goes to legendary leftist Little Steven: