Joey Tacos’ Terrible Tuesday

I’ve always liked courtroom sketches. This one is of Trump mouthpiece Joey Tacos DBA Joe Tacopina cross-examining E. Jean Carroll. He didn’t land many punches and Ms. Carroll had the last laugh with Tuesday’s verdict. It was a terrible taco Tuesday for Joey Tacos and a great day for the country.

The Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian didn’t get his comeuppance yesterday. That will come in a case where the verdict is guilty, not liable. The Carroll case was, however, the beginning of his comeuppance if that makes any sense. If it doesn’t, sue me. I’ll try and retain Carroll’s lawyer Roberta Kaplan, not Joey Tacos. He’s a terrible lawyer representing a terrible man who lost terribly on taco Tuesday.

How terribly did they lose? The jury deliberated for a mere three hours, which is about as long as Tarantino flick only without the blood and obscure movie references.

The defense strategy was a simple one: lie and deny. It did not work. The best witness Team Carroll had was the Kaiser of Chaos himself:

“Trump has denied the accusations since Carroll first came forward and his main defense has been claiming that Carroll is not his “type.” But during the deposition, Trump poked holes in his own defense. When Kaplan showed Trump a picture of himself talking to Carroll at a party in the past, Trump confused Carroll with Maples.

“It’s Marla,” he said, according to reports. “That’s Marla, yeah. That’s my wife.”

Later, Kaplan reportedly asked Trump questions about other women who have accused him of sexual assault. That’s when the former president grew heated, telling Kaplan “you wouldn’t be a choice of mine, either, to be honest.”

“I wouldn’t in any circumstances have any interest in you,” he said, bringing in the rejected dude at a bar defense.”

That is why Defendant Trump didn’t testify on his own behalf in this trial.

That is why Defendant Trump will never testify in any trial. I’m not sure which podiatric analogy I should use at this point. Let’s try two on for size:

  • He’ll never testify because he puts his foot in his mouth so often that he shouldn’t bother with shoes.
  • He’ll never testify because he shoots himself in the foot so often that he should wear a bulletproof cast.

I’m not sure that either works but if they don’t, sue me.

The real reason former President* Pennywise will never testify is that he’s incapable of telling the truth or as Roberta Kaplan put it: “In order to find for him you have to find that Donald Trump, the nonstop liar, is the only one in this court telling the truth,”

Nonstop liar? I love that. He’s also a nonstop talker who believes his own lies. Unfortunately, there are millions of people who think that this degenerate liar is the last honest man. Oy, just oy.

The MAGA spin is that everything is a witch hunt, and their guy wasn’t found liable for rape. He was, however, liable for sexual assault and defamation. Defamation is Trump’s jam. He’s de-famous for it as opposed to being delightful, delicious and de-lovely.

The beauty of a civil case is that the burden of proof is a preponderance of the evidence, not guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. In a criminal case, it’s impermissible to remind the jury that the defendant didn’t testify. Repeat after me: Defendant Trump will never testify.

Team Carroll used the infamous Access Hollywood tape as a cudgel with which to beat Trump. The “seduction” technique he described therein perfectly fits the facts of the Carroll case. Joey Tacos trotted out the “locker room talk” defense but it didn’t work with this jury.

As to the political impact of the verdict, hardcore MAGA maggots will stick with Trump, but independent women will be even more repulsed than previously. Misogyny is baked into Trumpism but there are subtle signs of erosion. It won’t be enough to deny him renomination, but it should be enough to deny him reelection.

Repeat after me: Donald Trump is a pussy. He should grab himself.

The last word goes to George Harrison followed by Jesse Ed Davis








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