“We fight the fights we can win? We fight the fights that need fighting!” — The American President

Howard and Russ, that’s pretty much what I’m left with these days.

The rest of you, take a fucking hike.

Except Kerry and Menedez and Boxer and Harkin. They stood up. Everybody else, take a fucking hike. See ya, senators. You have a pre-2006 mindset, and I’m done with it, and with you.

Seriously, we are eight months from the midterms, and our national message is that we don’t think the president should be censured, except we kinda do, but we want somebody else to do it, because we’re scared, and there are thumbs as need sucking over hereabouts where no one can see us. We’re for getting out of the war, but some of us are against it, and some of us like the president and most of us don’t seem to notice that he’s busted the Constitution out of the National Archives and rolled it and smoked it. We’re unable to deal with the celebrity culture that says Hillary’s gonna run for president even if she isn’t, even though this celeb obsession has been around in politics at least since the days of Reagan and we should know by now how to take advantage of it, or we should fire the people who don’t.

We are eight months from the midterms and Dick Cheney just shot a guy in the face, like, less than a blink ago, and we’re the party that’s afraid of partisanship. Let’s count on the fingers of both hands and the toes of both feet the number of issues Republicans have handed to us on silver platters, complete with video footage and receipts for the sex toys.

THEY LIED ABOUT WHY WE WERE GOING TO WAR.

THEY FUCKED UP THE WAR ONCE WE GOT THERE.

THEY OUTED A SPY.

THEN THEY SPIED ON US AND LIED ABOUT IT.

THEY LET A CITY DROWN.

OSAMA’S STILL OUT THERE SOMEPLACE.

BUSH’S POLL NUMBERS SUCK SO LOUD YOU CAN HEAR IT FROM MY HOUSE.

THEY TRIED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR GRANDMA’S SOCIALSECURITY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Jesus, we must be in some kind of bind, not be able to make hay out of that one.

But really, any of these would do, for a platform, for an ad or two thousand in all 50 states, for a rallying cry. You know, for a while there I really thought Harry was gonna keep the Dems in line, make them speak with one voice instead of 37. I thought Nancy, unimpressive as she might be, would realize that not being aggressive enough with your message is a death sentence, as is allowing self-interested jackasses to represent you in public, and call a meeting of some sort and announce that from now on, if you want political power in this town you need your party in power and for that, you need quick, clear, understandable stands on relatable issues and most of all you need to stop kicking each other’s asses on the morning shows which nobody, and I mean nobody, pays any attention to west of the Potomac. I really thought they had it in them.

And you know, a lot of people will say how naive you were to trust them, how silly you are to expect leadership from your leaders. There are a lot of Indies and Greenies out there going, “see, see I told you the parties weren’t any different!” As if expecting the best from the people we elect is our fault, rather than the fault of those who let us down. We have nothing to apologize for. I can’t say the same for everybody who failed to stand up with Russ this week.

Including my senators, both of whom I called and wrote. Honest to God, Durbin, what is your problem? Your seat could not be safer. So they’ll call you mean names. They’ve done it before, you’re still here. Illinois is only getting bluer. Obama, not that I expected more from you with your “I’m above politics” act, but truly, if Feingold, who’s in a genuinely red-leaning state, can get up off his ass and talk about what matters, why can’t you? I don’t know who’s giving you advice, but they suck. Stand up with Feingold and you’re a rock star again, like you were before you started walking this bipartisan line of bullshit you’ve got going on.

Harry, give me a break. You’re 564 years old, don’t you want to be majority leader before you die? Is this fun for you, in some perverse, masochistic, old-fashioned torture device way? Do you like being a leader of the party the vice president tells to fuck itself? Lieberman, even, you love the limelight more than you love your mother. Think what play you’d get if you turned on Bush now. Think of your public, Joe. Lord knows they’re thinking of you, and retirement, with a vengeance.

Joe Biden, you really wanna be president? Then start challenging the guy who’s in the chair right now. I know he’s the weaker kid and it’s gauche, but it can’t possibly be more embarrassing than all the asslicking you have to do every week in front of Russert and Matthews.

I used to think things would turn round once Fitzmas well and truly arrived and Rove’s attack machine shut down for good. But now I hold out little hope for that day, sweet as it will be to see Karl in hunter orange. We are our own attack machine. We have met Karl Rove, we have become him, and we are tearing off chunks of our own flesh with our teeth and masticating enthusiastically, saying, “Mmmmm, delicious!” and looking up at Fat Karl with pleading eyes, saying, “See, we’ll do it for you, you don’t have to move a muscle! Just stay over there!” with every bite. We are the enemy of our enemy and we cannot seem to turn our artillery anywhere but in the damn mirror.

So I’m left with Howard, and with Russ. This country needs leadership like I need scotch to drink, to wake the fuck up, wash the taste of cigarettes out of my mouth, and flavor my morning coffee. This country needs leadership because not knowing where to look, who to listen to? We’ll latch on to the first loudmouth who grabs the bullhorn and starts yelling. If there’s one thing 9/11 taught us, it’s that.

A.