If it’s Tuesday, it must be the ninth installment in the weekly series inspired by the 1991 Duke-Edwards Gret Stet governor’s race.

A reminder of the unofficial slogan of the race from hell:

In 2024, we’re flipping that on its head and voting AGAINST the crook. It’s even more important.

This week, a more frivolous reason to oppose the Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian: His hair.

Do we really want to return to the White House a man who spends an hour fussing with his hair every day?

I would hope not after reading this quote from an article in Gawker that I quoted  in 2016:

Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has generated an unceasing torrent of press attention that some estimate to be worth roughly $2 billion. Yet the central mystery at the very core of his persona—his inscrutable hairdo—has somehow, impossibly, remained unsolved. Until, perhaps, now.

 

A tipster who claimed knowledge of Trump’s hair recently came to Gawker with a potential solution to the enigma: Trump’s hair is not his own, costs tens of thousands of dollars for installation and upkeep, and comes from a man as mysterious as Trump is bombastic.

 

This solution that Trump, our tipster says, sought for his hair woes is a little-known, patented hair restoration treatment called a “microcylinder intervention.” It’s only performed by one clinic that we know of—Ivari International—where our source once sought treatment, and where he says he learned of Trump’s apparent patronage. What’s more, Ivari’s New York location was inside Trump Tower—on the private floor reserved for Donald Trump’s own office.

The allegedly manliest man in America has a weave? I doubt Clint Eastwood knows what a weave is.

My countryman Tom Nichols had a few thoughts about Trump and manliness in 2020.

Then there’s this wonderful quote from the world’s tallest magician Penn Jillete:

I wasn’t even going to say anything about Trump’s hair. I live in a glass house. I’ve always had ugly, out-of-style hair. Trump’s hair is a lot better than mine—but as I sat there for hours half listening to Donald carry on, it struck me exactly what his hair looked like. It looks like cotton candy made of piss.

FYI, I have no idea if Penn is the world’s tallest magician, but he is a big dude. There’s no Teller-ing if he’s the tallest…

I usually would not consider presidential hair to be disqualifying, but who wants a president* with cotton candy piss hair? MAGA Republicans, that’s who.

Repeat after me: Vote against the crook with bad hair, it’s important.

The last word goes to the OG Broadway cast of Hair: