Can I Just Say Something?

As a former bride myself, and as someone who has participated and helped plan more weddings for friends than I care to count (and most of those friends are even still married!), I cannot for the life of me imagine a worse ideathan this one. I don’t believe for a second this is being seriously discussed by anyone in the McCain campaign besides a couple of stoners in the lawn-sign crew.

Leave the teenage pregnant shotgun aspect of this aside. Leave the cynicism of it out. The week before my wedding I nearly bit my mother’s head off for suggesting we change what kind of dessert we were serving. If she had called in CNN I don’t think anyone would have ever found her body. A big Christian wedding in and of itself is an enormous foofy deal no matter who’s involved; bringing the campaign press along for the ride is like holding the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on crystal meth.

I am starting to want to invite Bristol Palin and her boyfriend over to my house until this campaign is over. They can stay in the spare room, eat my food, and be safe from all this nonsensical horseshit.


16 thoughts on “Can I Just Say Something?

  1. Imagine this…The wedding of the century goes on with McCain giving away the bride (at Tood’s insistence) Sarah holding up the bride’s train as hundreds of Paparazzi flash their bulbs at the party walk down the aisle.
    The bride stands there eyes wide, looking like a deer facing certain death at grill of a Buick. She looks at McCain, looks at her groom, Thunder Boy then with the cameras of all major networks, cable and broadcast, pointed right at her; Bristol Palin looks at the minister, turns and exits stage left.
    I can dream…

  2. That is a GREAT idea. And the press would love it!
    “Democrat opens up home to lovebirds.”
    “Liberal allow Bristol and Levi to “shack up” at her shack.”
    Jamie Lynn Spears approves. “I wish someone could have offered this to me!”
    Access Hollywood would be turned away at your door but not before you could give them quotes everyday.
    “Hi Access Hollywood watchers, I’m opening my home to Bristol and Levi because they need some privacy. We Democrats care about privacy, on our phone, in our bedroom and in other places. We create new families, especially if the family of birth is too busy doing other things or has rejected us. We are good that that.
    Also, the love birds have agreed to sell photos of themselves here which I will be selling them to the highest bidder. The proceeds will be donated to ferret rescue shelters.”

  3. All brides are stressed right before their wedding.
    Teenagers are known to fly off the handle at the slightest things.
    Pregnant women can be quite emotional.
    Combine all these things with national tv coverage, a domineering mother (youknow she is) and the whole shebang would be titled “There Will Be Blood.”
    This may be the worst idea I’ve heard in a very long time.

  4. Spocko FTW. I’ll donate to the Bristol Palin Privacy fund, mostly because I feel strangely protective of her, having gone to a high school full of fundies, seen a half a dozen girls (with nasty Church Lady mothers like Sarah Palin) effectively flush their lives down the toilet by having exactly the same sequence of events happen to them:
    1) Getting with a guy who’s spectacularly bad for them because they’ve been kept in extended infancy most of their lives;
    2) Unprotected “carried away” sex, because having a condom around would mean they were “bad girls” and “sinning”;
    3) Early unintended pregnancy;
    4a) Shotgun wedding OR
    4b) Incipient single parenthood;
    5) Baby; IF 4a), then 6b).
    6a) Rocky, loveless, possibly abusive marriage;
    AND/OR 6b) Endless series of dead-end jobs;
    IF 6a) THEN 6c) Possibly repeat 5.
    IF 6a) THEN 6d) Early divorce; AND
    7) Endless series of dead-end jobs;
    8) Old and poor at 30.
    Do NOT pass GO, do NOT collect a postsecondary diploma, go straight to the place where dreams go to die…

  5. A. I feel sure the prospective groom will take you up on the offer if it is accompanied by a place on a local hockey team. You have to remember what is important to him. I know it occasionally snows in that part of the country so that will check out ok. Now what we don’t know is if either of them could tolerate more than an hour of sunlight a day. And, I feel sure you all get more than that there.

  6. I’d much rather take my dad’s suggestion and drive the MOB up the wall by giving to Planned Parenthood in Sarah Palin’s honor. If we get enough people to do it, we can flood the campaign headquarters of the GOP nominees with loads of thank-you cards from this esteemed institution, which would REALLY get their goat and would, most likely, take the pressure off the poor girl to be forced to have the shotgun wedding of the freaking century.

  7. Upon reading all of this, Morwen the Owl missteps off the branch and goes THUD on the ground.
    People are actually discussing this poop? This has to be the Twilight Zone.
    Now I have to find a higher branch in the hope that I will die in the next fall.

  8. I dunno, what’s traditional at an Alaskan wedding?
    Whale blubber wedding gifts, aged to “perfection”?
    A massively pregnant woman wielding a hockey stick trying to stop the proceedings?
    A staged moose shoot at the reception?
    The couple retreat to an igloo for 10 minutes, and the groom emerges with a stained bearskin, to cheers all ’round?
    Everyone gets shit-faced drunk, starts throwing punches, and a hockey game breaks out?

  9. Jeebus. I was never so close to going over the edge as the week before my wedding. I say this as somebody who has been on anti-depressants for the majority of my adult life. And Mr. BuggyQ had taken on the vast majority of our wedding preparations, for a wedding that cost under $5000.
    The day before the wedding, I was obsessively making table tents with biographies of swing-era bands (since we did a swing-themed wedding). I had ONE job to do for that wedding, it was a STUPID job, but by God, I was going to do it. I was this close to rocking back and forth humming String of Pearls and pulling my hair out one strand at a time.
    I cannot even come close to imagining what I would have done with the added pressure of media scrutiny. But chances are I wouldn’t have let it get this far–I’d have already throttled my mother for putting the family through the insanity of a VP run in the first place.

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