Quitting Time Booster Shot

Welcome to the QTBS where we believe dignity is best left to others among us.

– Went to the real doc this week for a “check up” which involved handing over various forms of bodily output. The one that was the worst was his desire for a stool sample. Apparently, you no longer crap in a cup. You take this little kit home, spread a “flushable” (keep that word in mind for later) piece of paper over the water on your toilet and start your business. The minute you drop off the first kid at the pool, you are to hop up immediately, stab a little probe into the middle of your mess and then seal the probe, put it in a “bio-hazzard” envelope and take it back. Not to get too detailed, but I’m more of a “process guy” than a “piece by piece guy” so hopping up like I’m coming down to play the Feud isn’t the easiest thing ever. Still, the fear that the “sample” will get wet and you’ll have to do this again aided me in my expediency. I did the probe and then tried to flush away the “flushable” paper. Yeah, one, two, three strikes and the toilet almost overflowed. So, here I am, knees to the breeze, stabbing at this “tree and me” concoction in the bowl with a toilet wand in hopes of getting it to go down before this goes all over the marble floor. Eventually it went down, but had to pause for a moment and ponder my own sense of mortality at that point. Death, be thy not proud…

– Three thoughts ran through my head when I heard thatthe UW
is pulling its beer ads
: 1) Like kids in Madison need ads to know that beer
exists. 2) Better late than never in the land of hypocrisy. If you’re going to
tell people “don’t drink,” you shouldn’t take money from the beer people. 3) Does that mean they’re getting rid of the “When you say Wisconsin, You’ve said it all” song the band plays?

– A strange estate sale moment: Went to a house that was
owned by a doctor. The guy must have been about 90 and an old general
practitioner. In the basement, among the regular tools and things you’d expect
were pieces of equipment from his doctoring days. He had an old medical
whirlpool, a stethoscope and various other things all around. In one box, there
were all sorts of shiny chrome tools. As I stood looking at a piece of
furniture near that box, no fewer than six men walked in, dug through the box
and picked up a speculum. The all looked at it with the bewilderment of a child
watching a snake lose its skin. They all then put it down, looked back and
said, “wonder what that was.” I honestly believe they were biologically drawn
to it.

– News flash to the conservatives: As a kid, I read stories
in school about how baseball was invented to solve a dispute after Indians
tried to steal back land “legally bought” with beads by Pilgrims. We saw hours
of breathless coverage of Reagan getting elected, sworn in, shot and more. I
had to learn the pledge for “Just Say No” because Nancy Reagan’s plane was
flying over my school (apparently, the plane would crash if she didn’t hear
us). I was also forced to watch Channel ONE because you assholes kept cutting
funding to everything that had the word “education” attached to it and my
school was broke. So basically, there is NOTHING Obama could say, do or reveal
short of showing up in person and demanding under penalty of death that the
children each come over and touch his “pee pee” that would be as devastating or
indoctrinating as the shit you’ve heaped on us over the years.So, shut up about the speech…

Ernie Harwell, long time Tigers announcer, has revealed he
has inoperable cancer. Sad…

– In today’s First Draft column, Doc inadvertently said that
Michael Kinsley was a moron for his comments that corrections on things like
misspelled names, incorrect dates, general mix ups and other such fare “trivializes”
corrections.
Doc meant to say Michael Kinsley is a complete and utter moron for
this column. First Draft regrets the error.

A universityprofessor president got a $100,000 raise while everyone
else got a benefit cut and a wage freeze.
In other news, water is still wet,
the sky is still blue and then there’s this epic report on the state of our
economy. Film at 11.

Thanks for letting me share your air. Be back next week.

Doc

6 thoughts on “Quitting Time Booster Shot

  1. kitsch says:

    Important: the NYT article says that the college PRESIDENT got a raise. Not a professor. Big difference.

  2. pansypoo says:

    BIG difference. still sucks.
    getting old sucks, don’t it. i say, if you want a stool sample, go get it yourself.

  3. Doc says:

    Kitsch- Thanks. Brain glitch. I read it and knew what it said and why it pissed me off and just blew it.

  4. I had my annual physical this week, too. This guy’s been my GP for 7 years, so he knows my body better than I ever wanted another man to know it.
    He knows I’m a writer and yet he still asks, “Do you drink?” “Yes, I say, still the two vodkas and rocks every night. Sometimes three.”
    He shakes his head. “We need to work on that,” he says, like we share a liver.
    Any drugs? “No, Except once a few months ago our band was playing a bar in Graham and during a break the drummer passed me a joint and I hit on it.”
    He buries his head in his hands. “You keep giving me bad news,” he says.
    I say, “I’m a 59-year-old writer and play harp in a blues band. Some things are just part of the job decsription.”
    “We have to work on that, too,” he says.
    It’s good to know he’s working on that vecause I sure as hell am not.

  5. The Dol says:

    My kid just started kindergarten and I got an automated phone call yesterday from the district, saying that if I was concerned about having my child listen to Obama’s speech to school children, my child didn’t have to be present.
    WTF is wrong with people? Are they that scared? And that stupid? I tell you what. If my daughter had been school-aged when Bush was in office, I would have made sure she was there the day of his broadcast. She needs to learn to think for herself and not just soak up my commie-pinko views. I’ll just cut her out of my will if she grows up to be a Republican.
    Come next week, the school district is going to hear from me. I want to know if they pulled this shit when Bush and Reagan spoke to the kids on the teevee. I’m going to be pissy and rudy, and I don’t give a shit.

  6. karen marie says:

    What is wrong with the people running these school districts that they don’t just say to the complainers — “It’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, you fool!”
    You would think that children were being forced to listen to a speech by Osama Bin Laden or Hitler.
    Oh, wait a minute … THEY ARE!!1!!!11!!

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