ConservaChrist® 2.0 (Beta Version)

From2Millionth Web Log

So I thought why not Jesus, Texas Ranger (or Walker, Son of God) as the officially approved and licensed“Conservative” Savior…nomeek shall inherit the earth/submit to the humiliation and excruciating (literally) pain of crucifixion him…

And if Chuck Norris can have a website devoted to “facts,” why not the Son of Man?

ConservaChrist didn’t stone the adulteress…but he threatened her with his fists of stone if she ever sinned again.

For ConservaChrist’s loaves and fishes, the loaves were meat loaves, made from a wildebeest He personally hunted down armed solely with a sharp, pointed stick. And there would’ve been way more than two fish but for the stupid librul limit on the local lake (which He would’ve hauled in using grappling hooks held in His bare, sacred hands.)

Feel free to add more “facts” in the comments.

13 thoughts on “ConservaChrist® 2.0 (Beta Version)

  1. Michael says:

    And of course I thought of one more after hitting the “publish” button:
    ConservaChrist didn’t say, “Come with Me and I will make ye fishers of men.” He said, “Train with Me in My modern, state of the art facility and I will make ye kickers of men’s asses.”

  2. FeralLiberal says:

    ConservaChrist didn’t heal the sick until they signed up for his HMO. But most of them were denied anyway – “Sorry, pre-existing condition”.

  3. montag says:

    ConservaChrist didn’t carry the cross. The cross carried him.

  4. MapleStreet says:

    Was it Colbert that complained that rather than dividing the loaves and fishes, that Jesus really gave them to the rich so that they could trickle down?

  5. pansypoo says:

    the poor get the nasty bits.
    and lo, the son of god did have a holy sixpack.

  6. BuggyQ says:

    ConservaChrist not only carried the cross, he did 450 curls with it, then beat the centurions into submission.

  7. BuggyQ says:

    ConservaChrist says if you turn the other cheek fast enough, you can turn it into a mean headbutt.

  8. Aaaargh says:

    ConservaChrist healed the money lenders in the temple, though they already had Cadillac insurance policies, and did away with all manner of regulation of their deeds. As he did so, he spake: there is no law that affects GOP campaign contributors, for it is written, “IOKIYAR.”.
    As ConservaChrist left the temple, he kicked the lepers, saying, “Get off my lawn, you assholes.”

  9. MapleStreet says:

    Having had an association with the “prosperity Jesus” “if you believe it, it will happen crowd”, I should note the same thing for ConservaJesus as for SantaClaus Jesus,
    It is really a shame that Jesus didn’t listen to his message and claim the rewards enough so that he avoided the failure of the cross and resurrection. If he only had more faith…

  10. Athenae says:

    ConservaChrist gave sight to the blind so they could see his awesomeness. Then he blinded them again.

  11. here4tehbeer says:

    ConservaChrist says “Fuck it – I’ll Do It LIVE!” Again. Eventually.

  12. Elspeth R says:

    ConservaChrist didn’t say “suffer the little children unto me” rather he whipped their hineys, took pictures (to share w/Mark Foley), and sent them back to Bible Camp.

  13. Interrobang says:

    When ConservaChrist said, “Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God that which is God’s,” he really meant that tax money should be withheld from the state and donated to the church.

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