I would cheerfully settle for them learning how to newspaper, though: 

“Despite widespread talk of a shift to digital, most newspaper readership continues to be in print,” it declared. “Online, more traffic to the top newspaper websites and associated apps comes from mobile than from desktop users, and the average visitor only stays on the site for three minutes per visit.”

“And several larger media conglomerates spun off their newspaper divisions as separate companies in an attempt to prevent the newspaper industry’s woes from affecting the health of their broadcast divisions.”

What is becoming a frustrating theme was reiterated: “Revenue from circulation rose, but ad revenue continued to fall, with gains in digital ad revenue failing to make up for falls in print ad revenue.”

I can only imagine how two decades of bitching about THEIR OWN FUCKING PRODUCT being a dead dog has helped sell print advertising. I know when I am looking to invest, I often place my money in the thing most despised by its owners and managers.

What these actual real live numbers show is that newspaper companies have been chasing digital money that isn’t there. They’ve abandoned selling print entirely, have jacked their subscribers around to make the quarterly earnings look better, and are worse advocates for their own product than a herpes-ridden hooker. They devalued what they had, in favor of what they thought they could get, and apparently nobody in the boardroom said hey, what if all your bullshit pipe dreams don’t come true? What do you do then?

They burned down their house because they thought they might want more space someday, and they’re complaining about the smoke smell, wondering if they can bill the fire brigade, and if you just answer these 14 survey questions first you can read all about it!

A.