Animal Country

Animal House

When you were a teenager and saw ANIMAL HOUSE you probably reveled in the anti-establishment hijinks of the Delta House. Watch it again as an adult and you might giggle at a line or two (remembering a time when you did something similarly asshatted) but more likely you will come away thinking what jerks the characters are. Don’t get down on yourself for not being as counterculture as you once were, it’s all a part of growing up.

If US politics were the movie, the Repugnicants would be the Deltas while the Democrats would be, um, the Jewish Frat the Deltas checked their answers for the Psych exam with. But as much as you enjoyed Animal House and the zany antics of Boon, Otter, Bluto, Pinto (cause he had a spotted dick, a line cut from the movie cause the studio suit said “yeah, that goes TOO far”) you wouldn’t want them running your country.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

And yet people keep voting for them.

You fucked up… you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it!

Meanwhile the Democrats just keep chugging along lead by their undisputed leader President Joey B Shark who just keeps pumping out new initiatives to try and help both the American people and the American economy. And the American people keep listening and liking what they hear. 68% approval ratings for his two biggest proposals show that.

Better listen to him, Flounder, he’s in pre-med.

But you know there is an old saying that the guy who shouts the loudest is the one who gets heard. And Repugnicants sure do shout loud. What they shout is utter bollocks, whether about Dr. Seuss or red meat, but those bollocks get amplified by the Murdoch media machine till finally the other network talking heads feel they must make mention of whatever stupidity is being uttered, if only to refute it.

A Pledge Pin! On your Uniform!

Honestly, the US Senate would be hilarious if Ted Cruz was played by Stephen Furst, Josh Hawley by Tom Hulce, and Mitch McConnell by Bruce McGill. Of course Donald Trump would be played by John Belushi. We don’t care about grades, who needs grades when we got voter suppressed forever seats!

The thing is it really isn’t funny. Governing is no joke. Real people are in real pain and need help. In another part of the cinematic universe Donald Sutherland was heard to say “the organizing principle of any society, Mr. Garrison, is for war. The authority of the state over its people resides in its war powers.”  Right there is the credo for the current Repugnican party, that government only matters in times of war. In any other time it should effectively be disassembled, it’s powers and duties delegated to profit motivated conglomerates. And frankly they’re not convinced the military does a better job than Black Water.

If you want this year’s homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay for it. And if you mention extortion again, I’ll have your legs broken.

Democrats on the other hand believe that government exists in order to help the governed, to even out the playing field, and promote the general well being of those who cast the votes. So yes, healthcare is a right. Roads benefit not just those who drive on them but those who buy the products transported on them. Those who profit the most from the economy have an obligation to give back to society (i.e. by paying their fair share of taxes). And absolutely, those who act as guardians of the peace are not immune to justice when they opt to willfully defy it.

Do you mind if we dance with your dates?

So how is it that Repugnicants keep getting elected? The aforementioned voter suppression is one way. The other is more pernicious. In effect those behind the scenes at the GQP and it’s propaganda wing the Murdoch press have convinced their followers that not only are the Demoncrats socialist lapdogs here to take away your FREEDOM MAN!, but they are the squares who aren’t as hip as the Animal House of Representatives the GQP is. Why worry about schools or jobs or broadband? Everything will be fine once we burn it all down, you know, like we almost did on January 6th. Equality and justice for all? Well if they wouldn’t get all riled up and start looting every time one of our boys in blue does his sworn duty maybe they’d already have their equality. As long as they don’t move in next to me.  That’s what Tucker says.

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

As if the past 100 days weren’t enough, Joey Shark’s speech this week was a perfect example of the differences between the two sides. He called for the passing of his infrastructure bill not as a handout to Big Business but as an investment in the future of the experiment called America.

The families plan includes $1 trillion in new spending and $800 billion in tax credits. It would finance universal prekindergarten for all 3- and 4-year-olds, a federal paid family and medical leave program, efforts to make child care more affordable, free community college for all, aid for students at colleges that historically serve nonwhite communities and expanded subsidies under the Affordable Care Act.

The plan would also extend key tax breaks included as temporary measures in the coronavirus relief package that benefit lower- and middle-income workers and families, including the child tax credit, the earned-income tax credit, and the child and dependent care tax credit.

The Repugnicants responded with something like Bluto going through the cafeteria line. You laughed back then, but now you’re more likely disgusted. Especially when you imagine Belushi as Trump.

Shapiro Out

2 thoughts on “Animal Country

  1. I was a perfect gentleman then. Who am I kidding? You were there. We were the jerks who heckled Rennie STENNETT and Ed Kranepool.

  2. I keep meeting GQPers who were the biggest partiers back in the day & indeed, still smoke weed & drink like fish. & some of them are hilariously funny & charming. But don’t let that fool you. They’re racist, selfish jerks. & as educated as some of them may be, they’re ignorant as F. & PROUD OF THAT.

    They really took that ending to heart. Bluto becomes a senator, right? That’s their view of politics right there.

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