Trump By Numbers: 37 Counts

I approached the Trump indictment with some trepidation. Legal language is often dense and impenetrable. That’s not the case with the 49-page indictment of Trump and his body man, Walt Nauta.

I’d like to echo Special Counsel Jack Smith in urging everyone to read the filing. When Jack Smith speaks, I listen even if this is the first time he’s spoken as Special Counsel. He’s got that strong silent type vibe, which is a good thing when one’s adversary is weak, garrulous, and a lousy listener.

Things are always worse than expected with Federal Defendant Trump. That’s true of the purloined papers case. It sounded terrible and it’s even worse than that. Classified documents in a bathroom? Not even the bard of Florida weird, Carl Hiaasen, could make that shit up.

Some pictorial proof is required:

Mar-a-Doorn is a magical place where the Kaiser of Chaos could sit on the terlet and admire his, uh, boxes. Asswipe.

Or did he do this in that ugly-n-boxy bathroom?

I had to squeeze in a Who By Numbers tune somewhere. Squeeze Box simply would not do. That’s a better fit for the E. Jean Carroll case.

I thought I was a pack rat but the Kaiser Of Chaos is the pack rat’s pack rat. That’s a polite term for a lesser hoarder. He’s not even a tidy hoarder:

The man charged with cleaning up that mess is Trump’s body man and co-defendant Waltine Nauta. No wonder he goes by Walt. Who names their kid after Saltine crackers? I should apologize for that joke, but how could I resist a cracker pun? I wonder if there’s anyone named Triscuit in the Nauta family tree…

Nauta notched one more indictment than his boss: 38 to 37. 31 of Trump’s counts involve top secret documents that he kept with him at all times. They even traveled with him to New Jersey where he waved them around while bragging that only he could read them. It’s the document version of dick waving. We all know that dick waving is the Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian’s jam.

The media has focused on Trump’s recklessness in handling Top Secret information. It’s also careless: Trump reminds me of a dumbed down Tom Buchanan.

Trump’s carelessness could have gotten Americans killed. Among the documents he waved around, like a barely human weather vane were battle plans. He did it to damage the reputation of General Milley, but the damage was to the national interest. Try to imagine FDR waving around the plans for D-Day before the invasion. It’s unimaginable. The carelessness, it burns.

The next number is 96, which is the number of paragraphs in the indictment. This breakdown makes it easier to read than the big chunky paragraphs of the doomed Muller Report. I wonder if the number had anything to do with this venerable song:

Former President* Pennywise will cry more than 96 Tears as this process unfolds. His supporters are busy crying foul on his behalf. Fuck them. They dug their political grave, now they can lie in it. The key word is lie. Nauta is charged with lying to the FBI and he works for a pathological liar.

After reading the indictment, I came to the same conclusion as the Special Counsel about the proper venue for the case. Almost all the crimes were committed in Florida, so the case must be tried in South Florida. The New Jersey stuff is interesting but it’s best to keep a tight focus when prosecuting a case like this.

Forum shopping is for bums and Trumpers. Having the case dismissed for improper venue would be a humiliating disaster, especially if it’s dismissed with prejudice. That’s not unlike double jeopardy. Nobody wants that, not even game show villain James Holtzhauer:

Speaking of cartoon villains, the case is strong enough to survive having Judge Aileen Cannon preside. Remember her from last year? The case was assigned to her randomly, if she has a lick of sense, she’ll recuse. One would hope Cannon is chastened by the public spanking she received from the 11th Circuit over the special master mishigas. Stay tuned.

One phrase I will never apply to any criminal case is slam dunk. There are quirks and variables to every case. Who the hell wants to be like Bush-Cheney CIA director, George Tenet? He’s the one who popularized the phrase slam dunk case. Tenet is one of the few prominent Greek Americans I won’t claim. The malakatude, it burns.

That concludes this exercise is legal numerology: 31, 37, 38, 49, 96. Hike. Don’t spike the ball.

In honor of the 49-page indictment, the last word goes to CSN with a Stephen Stills song that opens with this couplet, “49 reasons all in a line, all of them good ones all of them lies.”