The post title is inspired by a segment of The Bullwinkle Show. Let me give you a hint, it’s the one with a snooty talking dog, his boy Sherman, and the Wayback Machine: Peabody’s Improbable History. They spelled the machine differently so let’s do the Ira Gershwin dance: You say WABAC, I say Wayback. Let’s call the whole thing off.

I try to be like Joe Friday in Dragnet and focus on the facts, just the facts. That’s difficult when a demented, deranged, and degenerate man is POTUS. He spreads his fantasies as if they were the truth and a slice of the country believes every word that comes out of his mouth. That’s why we’re in the mess we’re in. Thanks, you stupid motherfuckers.

Back to the facts, just the facts. As a rule, I prefer not to write speculative pieces; my satire is fact based. There’s no reason to make shit up when Team MAGA is busy turning America into Moronica. But there are exceptions to every rule.

This WHAT IF post is inspired by recent events in Europe including JD Vance telling Germany it’s too hard on Nazis. The mind reels.

Team MAGA is selling out Ukraine with lies and Russian propaganda. The Kaiser of Chaos swallows Putin’s lies like his followers swallow his lies. Holy vicious circle, Batman.

Decent people with a knowledge of history are gobsmacked by MAGA revisionism. I’m not sure how decent I am but I try. I’m certainly a more decent dude than the Kaiser of Chaos, Chancellor Musk, and Vice President Vance. That’s not exactly stiff competition as they’re degenerate creeps who don’t know much about history. I do and it’s time to get to the point.

Let’s set the Wayback Machine to the 19th Century and ponder WHAT IF the Insult Comedian had been president or a candidate at 5 crucial moments in American history.

1814: America is losing the War Of 1812, which confusingly lasts until 1815. British troops run roughshod over the country culminating in the burning of Washington including the White House. Then President James Madison saw devastation. Donald Trump would see opportunity: a chance to redevelop the District of Columbia into a resort with hotels, casinos, and golf courses at which President Pennywise could cheat.

One could call this scenario, Gaza on the Potomac. I *am* making this up.

1861: The Insult Comedian has already claimed that he could have prevented the Civil War. I am not making this up. He would have negotiated a deal with the South that allowed them to stay in the union and keep their slaves in exchange for Trump getting a percentage of the slave trade. His attitude would have been: So what if it’s human bondage, it’s profitable. I *am* making this up.

1869 was the year of the Gold Panic aka Black Friday, which had nothing to do with holiday sales and everything to do with greed. Crooked financier Jay Gould and railroad tycoon Jim Fisk attempted to corner the gold market, triggering the worst economic crisis of the epoch.

The Grant administration tried to stabilize the gold market with mixed results. Trump would have thought that reaction was for suckers. Instead, he would have demanded a percentage of the gold in exchange for helping Gould and Fisk lie their way out of the mess.

1876 was America’s centennial as well as the title of Gore Vidal’s great novel about Gilded Age corruption and the disputed Hayes-Tilden presidential election. Democrat Samuel Tilden won the popular vote but had the election stolen from him by Republican machinations involving the fakakata electoral college. That’s an oversimplification but what’s a little oversimplification among friends?

If Trump had been Rutherford B. Hayes, he would have given an inflammatory speech near the Capitol, urged his supporters to storm it, and watched the riot from afar. Oh, that’s right, that really happened in 2021. I am not making this up.

You say Rutherford, I say Rutherfraud. Let’s call the whole thing off. Thanks again, Ira.

1898: William McKinley is one of the few past presidents the Insult Comedian has anything good to say about. McKinley was a protectionist and tariff fan, that’s why.

Press baron William Randolph Hearst’s incitement of a war with Spain over Cuba came to fruition in 1898. McKinley was reluctant to fight but would have redeemed himself in Trump’s eyes by invading Cuba and sending Admiral Dewey to the Philippines, then a Spanish colony. McKinley preferred a subtler form of imperialism but ain’t nothing subtle about the Kaiser of Chaos. Trump would have annexed both Cuba and the Philippines making them American colonies. One could call this scenario Greenland on the Caribbean.

That concludes this stroll down WHAT IF memory lane. It’s the first of a recurring series. I’ll tackle the 20th Century next time.

The last word goes to Talking Heads: