Quitting Time Booster Shot

Welcome to the Booster where we don’t think you’re happy enough.

– I don’t know what the deal is with the ages between 30 and
45, but for some reason I’ve been reading a lot about guys in my area who are
in this age range who can’t seem to keep their hands off the bodies of teenage
girls.This guy is the latest in a line of teachers out by us who have
attempted to place their alleged junk in an underage person’s alleged trunk.

Yes, I’ve said before that people should be viewed as innocent until proven guilty,
but in cases like this one, what the police have found is really clear.We need
to get very “Liar, Liar” on them.

– From the “Scumbag is as scumbag does” file: When a
15-year-old boy dies after a giant slab of a PARKING STRUCTURE falls on him
while he’s waiting to go to Summerfest, some people see tragedy. Others see an
opportunity to win an election! Is it any wonder I hate politics?

– From the “Scumbag is as scumbag does Part 2” file: When a
woman is abused by her boyfriend and seeks help from the law, apparently all it
means is that she wants some dirty talk from a real man. At least that’s Ken
Kratz’s version of reality, it seems. The Calumet County District Attorney is
in the process of being removed in Wisconsin for his role in “sexting” women
who sought his help, including one domestic abuse victim. Making things worse,
an earlier investigation cleared him of any wrongdoing in this before the shit
hit the fan in the media.

– Verizon is looking into tiered data plans to help control
costs brought about by people who use their cell phone the way I do: Like a
giant lifeline in which I get everything including food, water, shelter and
love. The announcement is like getting back the graded version of that bio-chem
test you didn’t study for. You know you’re about to get fucked but it doesn’t
seem to feel any better just because you’re expecting it.

– From the “Goddamit you fuckin’ guys” Department: I got
Betsy back from the shop good as new about two weeks ago. The guys did a full
rebuild on her engine for a pricy sum of about $3,000. On my end, I repainted
and resanded parts of the quarters, replaced all the gauge bezels and lenses
and reconfigured the heating controls. However, all was not good. In putting
the new package tray in the back, I almost cut my finger through to the bone,
had to get three stitches and bled all over the interior. Upon fixing my hand,
I went back to the car and managed to punch holes in both speakers,
necessitating new speakers. I finally got this all done, got her out on the
road and she flat out died on me. She surged twice, coughed and died on this
two-lane highway out near a farm field in the middle of nowhere. Thank God for
Triple A, but what the hell? Between the blood and the dead car, I’m not happy.
And of course, I could hear the Missus screaming in my head “Go to the fucking
hospital! You’re bleeding everywhere!”

– Things I would doto get my own copy of this include:

Letting Roman Polanski babysit my kid.

Letting Eagles Coach Andy Reid sit on my face after an all-you-can-eat
Mexican buffet.

Cuddling with Glenn Beck while he read to me out of his
latest book.

Giving up Diet Coke for ayearmonth week.

Cleaning Tommy T’s biohazard Freeper suits with my tongue.

– And finally, from the “Let’s see how that pans out
Department: Justin Bieber is somehow (either through is own words or through
some Twitter meltdown) comparing himself to Kurt Cobain as a voice of his
generation. Time to put in a call to the Bieber Headquarters: Hey, are you guys
really behind this Bieber is the new Cobain thing? (Pause.) He means the
Nirvana lead singer right? Not some convenience-store bag boy he knows who was
conceived in 1992? (Pause. Laugh suppression.) Really? You sure? (Pause. Harder
suppression.) And this is the Justin Bieber who there’s a whole site dedicated
to him called “Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber” right? (Pause. Ear starts
to bleed. Stitches in my hand pop out.) OK, cool. Can you let me know when he
plans to blow his head off with a shotgun? (Pause). Hello?

Thanks for letting me share your air. Be back next week.


4 thoughts on “Quitting Time Booster Shot

  1. As I said on Twitter when I first read of Bieber comparing himself to Kurt Cobain, a Lloyd Bentsen-esque comment on that came to mind, except I never really knew Kurt Cobain…but, like pornography, I know a Kurt Cobain when I see one, and Bieber ain’t one, not even in his dreams.
    Sorry about the mess with Betsy. Are the both of you whole, now? I hope so.

  2. beeber said that? oh, call us in 20 yrs lief garret.
    walker doesn’t do governing. just cares about being able to say he didn’t raise your taxes.

  3. Bing Crosby – wow. Who’da thunk it? What a guy, what a pal. I don’t even like baseball much and I’d like to see that game for historical perspective.

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