All The Bitches Love Ted Cruz

Oh my GOD, you guys, is Nedra Pickler writing for “Tribune Wire Services” now?

Whether or not he actually seeks his party’s presidential nomination in 2016, as some pundits expect, the former Texas solicitor general has become a “name,” and a potential presidential contender.

“Ted Cruz” was the top search on Google, ahead of “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” a drama that premiered on ABC, National League Football star quarterback Peyton Manning and NBC’S “The Voice.”

Ted Cruz was trending on CNN’s website, overtaking the attack by Islamist militants in a Kenyan shopping mall and singer Miley Cyrus.

Well, if he beat out “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D,” I mean, what more is there to say about him?

As usual, the only place I watch cable news is the gym, and today’s CNN “special report” on Ted Cruz included super-informative facts about EXACTLY HOW MANY MINUTES Cruz spoke, and how that compared to other long talking that has happened by Strom Thurmond and others. Because that’s totally the point of his talking. The length of it.

That was a cut above this story, which is all about how sexy Ted Cruz is. No, really.

The Tribune story goes on:

Cruz’s speech, which had the look of an old-fashioned filibuster used traditionally by senators to block legislation, aimed to build support for a Republican bill that would withhold funds to operate the government unless Obamacare was gutted.

It had the LOOK!

No word on if it had the feel as well.

Even if he isn’t a presidential candidate yet, Cruz was getting the media attention of one.

When he left the Senate chamber at the end of his speech, he was swarmed by reporters.

Which apparently is the measure of whether one is worthy of media attention: If one is already “swarmed” by reporters. If no one is listening to you, apparently no one ever should, whereas if you are in the media, you are worthy of being in the media.

Good to know.

Cruz showed overnight that he will be a formidable presence in primary election debates if he makes a White House bid.

He’s got the folksiness of a Texas politician, the aggressiveness of a Harvard Law School-trained litigator and the theatrical flair and delivery of a televangelist.

We’re now 2/3 of the way through this story and there’s still no sign of an objective fact of any kind.

Also, as a gentle reminder: The primary debates are three years away. You know who was a formidable presence in the 2008 Republican presidential primary debates? I DON’T FUCKING REMEMBER AND NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE IT WAS A THOUSAND EONS AGO IN THE MOUSE YEARS POLITICAL JOURNALISTS USE TO CHART THE PASSAGE OF TIME.

But Cruz has what political consultants call “a story.”

Boy, I sure hope you tell us what that story is, so that we know what political consultants think.

His father fled to Texas from Cuba in the 1950s, worked as a dishwasher to put himself through college and started a business.

Ted Cruz won scholarships by competing in libertarian-sponsored oratorical contests, became a debater at Princeton, graduated from Harvard Law School in 1995 and clerked for a conservative icon, the late U.S. Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

He became a successful lawyer, was appointed solicitor general of Texas in 2003 and ran for the U.S. Senate in 2012, with the endorsement of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and the conservative Club for Growth.

Every single noun and verb in that last paragraph makes me want to punch a grizzly bear in the face, in the hopes that it will rip my head off and eat it.

Most of Cruz’s 99 colleagues didn’t bother to enter the Senate to watch his performance, but many Americans saw it on the C-Span cable network, and on videos that went viral through the night and on Wednesday.

How many watched the speech? We don’t know. The story doesn’t say. VIRAL IS A WORD WITH NO DEFINITION. I CAN USE IT WHENEVER SOME TEAWAD E-MAILS ME SOMETHING TWICE.

Martin’s group helped organize a “defund Obamacare” rally outside the U.S. Capitol on Sept. 10 that greeted Cruz, who was in attendance, with chants of “run, run, run.”

Like the virality of the viral videos, people yelling stuff at a rally is also currency, and I know this because of how seriously the anti-war movement was treated in 2003.

This shitpile of a story via my Facebook pal BV, to whom I will be sending the bill for my blood pressure meds and my liquor store tab.

A.

2 thoughts on “All The Bitches Love Ted Cruz

  1. MapleStreet says:

    I don’t get it at all.
    Cruz is an elitist (elitist Texan, does he know Dubya?). He refused to study with classmates who weren’t from Harvard, Princeton, and another ivy league school which is escaping my memory.
    It wasn’t a filibuster and he profited heavily by eating and taking bathroom breaks while his friends asked him questions.
    All he did was eat up 21 hours that could have been used for serious debate. So the only “good” I could possibly see is if the repubs are afraid that honest debate will show them up.
    And wouldn’t his little stunt show how little the gop cares for the economy and how little the gop cares if the govt shuts down and you’re out of work (for that matter, Dow lost several hundred points already on fears of the stupidity of Congress).
    I can see the Tea Baggers eating it up (That’s showing them Ted, etc.) But in the end, just a few hours later he voted for cloture (and the vote on cloture was gonna happen no matter what). So wouldn’t his 21 hour rendition of Green Eggs and Ham just be an action to waste government funds on keeping the doors open? And wouldn’t his voting for cloture tic off the far Right?
    And as there is plenty of evidence that the GOP power structure didn’t wan’t Cruz to pull this stunt, didn’t he help create a rift in the repubs?
    There is a pretty big divide between Cuban-Americans and Mexican/Central America/South America Americans. So that doesn’t help him. The 8 years of yelling that Obama can’t be prez because he wasn’t born in America is sure to be an issue with Cruz.

    Like

  2. iceblue2 says:

    This sentence “Every single noun and verb in that last paragraph makes me want to punch a grizzly bear in the face, in the hopes that it will rip my head off and eat it. ” Made my day!

    Like

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