A Full Metal Wingnut-O-Gram From Ted Cruz

I have no idea how I got on Ted Cruz’s mailing list, but as a fan of inadvertent comedy, I’m glad it happened. I’ve actually gotten four emails since March 28, all of which inform me that Tailgunner Ted is under constant attack by the nefarious forces of  THE LEFT:

Fellow Conservative,Monday I announced my campaign for President, and ever since, I’ve been under constant attack.Will you chip in $5 — or even $35 — to help me fight back?You see, the liberal media has called me every name in the book — attacking me for everything from announcing my campaign at a Christian university to listening to country music.I want you to see a few of the headlines and just how truly desperate the Left is to discredit and destroy me:

–  “I think he’s the worst. I think he’s scary, I think he’s dangerous, I think he’s slimy and I think he brings no fresh ideas.” – Donny Deutsch & MSNBC
–  “Ted Cruz’s phenomenally bad idea” – Washington Post
–  “Ted Cruz’s ‘country music’ drivel: What’s really behind his musical conversion” – Salon.com
–  “Can You ‘Imagine’ Ted Cruz as President?” – The New Yorker

Fellow Conservative, every day since I announced, I have been faced with a new set of attacks with each more vulgar than the last.

One thing is clear; the so-called “tolerant” Left is a myth. They are unable and unwilling to engage beyond their redistributive, socialist agenda and inflammatory rhetoric.

That’s why I’m reaching out to you today with a personal request.

Will you help me fend off the Left’s attacks by clicking below and making an instant, secure emergency contribution?

 EMERGENCY DONATE $10 » 

 EMERGENCY DONATE $25 » 

 EMERGENCY DONATE $50 » 

 EMERGENCY DONATE $150 »

 ANOTHER AMOUNT » 

It makes it sound as if Cruz is holed up with John Wayne, Richard Widmark, and Laurence Harvey from the Duke’s  1960 flop, The Alamo. I suspect Tailgunner Ted identifies with Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier as well as with John Wayne. Both Ted and the Duke are chickenhawks, but physically Cruz is more like the weaselly Billy Bob Thornton who played Crockett in the 2004 remake, which also laid an egg at the box office.  In my casting of the 2016 campaign, Cruz is definitely the heavy.

This fundraising appeal reeks of paranoia and victimhood. In short, it’s a perfect distillation of Tailgunner Ted’s full metal wingnut approach to politics: scare the shit out of people and they will donate. Actually, the donation part of the email didn’t cut and paste very well, in the original format they’re BRIGHT RED BOXES evoking the Robot from Lost In Space: DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER. Hmm, maybe smirky, weaselly Ted Cruz is more like Dr. Smith from that campy 60’s teevee series than Davy Crockett.

I’m not sure how many people punched Tailgunner Ted’s fundraising hot buttons but I’m one of the few people who thinks he has a chance to be the GOP nominee. He’s the perfect candidate for the Republican base, which consists of fearful but belligerent people who feel besieged and abandoned much like the mythic defenders of the mythic Alamo. Despite their successes in the 2010 and 2014 elections, they feel surrounded by hordes of homosexuals, illegal aliens, feminists, uppity minorities, and worst of all, neo-Bolsheviks. The fact that none of this is true is irrelevant, it’s what they believe. That’s why I think the Republican base would prefer to go down in flames with a right wing purist than nominate another mushy “moderate” like Walnuts or Mittbot. Tailgunner Ted could be their man, he’ll never be President but if he can raise enough money, he could be the Republican nominee. Apres Ted le deluge…

Writing this post has given me an earworm, so put on your tin foil coonskin caps and sing along with this classic teevee theme song:

One thought on “A Full Metal Wingnut-O-Gram From Ted Cruz

  1. SG says:

    “$5 – or even $35.” What an odd increment.

    By the way, Ted, what you’re listening to is not country music. It’s just Top-40 pop.

    I’d much rather listen to “Pop Muzik.” New York, London, Paris, Munich….

    Worm, meet ear.

    Like

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