Every time I’m off the internet for a few minutes, all hell breaks loose. I’m glad I missed the Dudebro Nation tantrum about their candidate losing, and how voter suppression and closed primaries are the same thing. All you gotta do is register by a certain day and, abra cadabra, you’re a Democrat. It’s almost as magical as Ric Ocasek walking across the pool in that video.  I guess I caught some of that, but I *almost* missed the funniest political development of the year and that’s saying a lot in 2016. You know what I’m talkin’ about.

If you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, it’s the hilarious news that Ted Cruz has picked someone who is almost as nasty as him, the dread Carly Fiorina, as his losing mate. That’s right, it wouldn’t even have worked if Trump hadn’t blown his shit away last night. It’s a way for Cruz to briefly steal the limelight from the Insult Comedian. Briefly.

As he’s fond of telling us, Tailgunner Ted’s hero is Ronald Reagan. I guess that’s why he’s trying the same gambit the Gipper used in his tussle with Gerald Ford in 1976. Here’s what some internet smart asses had to say about it:

@Litzz11 Following in the footsteps of his hero. Who among us has forgotten the Reagan-Schweiker ticket? Everyone, because it flopped.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) April 27, 2016

In 1976, Reagan picked Dewey-Eisenhower-Rockefeller Republican Senator Richard Schweiker from Pennsylvania as his running mate before the convention. The reaction from Reganite true believers was scornful disbelief; sounds like a band name. It also didn’t work. Team Reagan’s attempt to force Team Ford to reveal their own Veep pick was dubbed the “misery loves company” gambit. Repeat after me: it did not work. They did make this nice button that nobody wanted to wear at the GOP convention in Kansas City:

The Cruz move is weird. At least Reagan was reaching out to liberal to moderate Republicans who still existed back then. Instead, Cruz-Fiorina doubles down on malakatude, wingnuttery, and assholishness. As a satirist, I want to thank Tailgunner Ted for bringing a few rays of sunshine to a rainy day in New Orleans.

I watched part of Cruz’s speech but there’s only so much of his brand of horse shit that I can take. Btw, Tailgunner Ted never mentioned Reagan in his speech. There’s a first time for everything. I did have fun live tweeting it. Here’s a wee sampler:

I'd like to thank Tailgunner Ted for making it so easy to write my next post. Carly Fiorina, the human Hail Mary pass.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) April 27, 2016

Yo, Ted. Carly is a job destroyer, not a job creator.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) April 27, 2016

I wonder how long until Fiorina lays off Tailgunner Ted.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) April 27, 2016

A final note about this morning’s post: John & Ted’s Excellent Misadventure. One of our long-time readers, Ditty N, took pity on your photoshop impaired blogger and gave me this: